let them eat poppy


“Birds or bats?”

Asked as a joke referencing a previously-established quip, Cait referred to the swirling cluster of zapping dots adding a dynamic light feast to the Parliament Building. The time was evening in early September, and we were two American expats, a Canadian, and an Italio-Hungarian on the Budapest Chainbridge on our way over to Buda. Our objective? To excavate the amazing Hungarian castles. We called the original joke “fat or pregnant?” and while it was not entirely politically correct, its presence had added a considerable charge to the day’s events as they came to play out.

As an American au pair working in Eastern Europe, it is not everyday that I find myself warmed by the company of a group of international angels, magnificent women who all exceeded my already-low expectations in being simultaneously gregarious, welcoming, witty, well-read, well-travelled, and most enticing to me at the time, well-spoken. Strangely enough, these women were also living in the Netherlands. I say that only because another gem-laden moment had occurred to me about one month earlier, at the castle in Bratislava, and this time, the gift had arrived in the form of a group of beautiful man angels, who yes, were also Dutch. Nights like these helped me to remember that at its best, being an au pair meant sheer limitless travel and essentially, an opulence of opportunity regarding spiritual and intellectual growth.

What does it mean to be an au pair? Had you asked me this about a month ago, I might have said something along the lines of, “Giving up your freedom and control out of an illusory wish to be free from control!” Or, “Agreeing to work for nothing, deluded that you might come out of it well-travelled and bilingual!” Or, “Biting your tongue as you listen to a forceful man spout out sexist jabber, meanwhile cringing under constant criticism regarding the way you fold your clothes from the mom!” Or any other such combination of negativities that had more to do with my personal complexes than the reality I had actually immersed myself into.

No, nights like the one I spent in Budapest with Cait, Simone, Simon, and Heather, or like the one I spent in Bratislava with Romy, Kierys, Kika, Edu, and Edmund, are what help dissipate the looming figures in my head. Alternatively, I am soothed by the lackadaisical afternoons spent meandering along hand-in-hand with Ava, my prodigee. Exalted by the butterscotch-specked broccoli hills of Slovakia and the train crashing in and out of our peripheral visions,  I learn more and more each day about what it means to be present, simply because I see that while walking home from the park, there is nothing on Ava’s mind except for the flowers that she consistently crouches down to glance at.

Yes, in four months I will have to break my teeth on the steel bullet that is the student debt I blindly accumulated over the course of my four years at my pristine, private university in Seattle. It hardly even matters that this stark reality is shared by more than half the nation’s university grads, though it should ease some of the tension, because (I try not to go on Facebook but when I do) I see my peers all prancing and dancing, eager to squeeze and juice the dregs out of our tauntingly finite “grace period” that had me jump oceans in the first place. Convinced that international travel was crucial to my development, certain that Paris had a palace with my name on it, things are not at all as I’d expected (though I expected them to be just that, not as I’d expected), now I wonder how I might not simultaneously freeze and zap into lightning speed the time that I might reunite at once with my love, unlock financial freedom, and gallivant the rolling hills of Europe side-by-side with this darling Slovak girl until she chants English with ease and perfection…Who is to say what the future holds, when it is really nothing but an accumulation of choices shaken up by the divine unknown? Until then, it is poppy seed pastries for me, or as they say in Slovak, makovník.  


when winter meets spring in french film


the sun always shines on my sadness. I can walk with a skip in my step but still, the coming of spring always makes me anxious.

trying to figure out how I can weave the song “Hallelujah” and its transformative journey into my research paper on Delilah from the Book of Judges as I’m currently reading Alan Light’s latest book on the former

trying to write the prose version of this absurdist film idea born from my escapades and the Dalyce/John rapport

dreaming about starting a production company, then remembering I need good material first

what film will I shoot over spring break? the festival is approaching and I’m obligated to submit.

fortune cookies? urban legends come true

“sometimes, I wish you were a guy”

sometimes, I wish I were a fly

except not really

that was terrible

public/private memory– I wrote a piece on this a few weeks ago and submitted it to something, before even understanding the topic

the most menial example: mini, mini

it’s sunny. i’m hungry. it’s hot. i’m happy. Hiroshima, Mon Amour. my anxiety. we’re talking memory. i’m troubled. we talk 9/11. apple– my memory. we speak public/private. carrot– my lack of. we discuss media and i am perplexed. we talk about memories manufactured. i am very hungry. discerning degrees of proximity. this all will happen again.



On sitting in a stick structure building a stick structure:

you’re creating, I’m destroying. or maybe, I’m merely changing as I scrape my fingernails along the dampening wood. if they can even be called fingernails.



skipping down valleys and leaping over into new ones at will.



this isn’t going anywhere.

cool story.

and that’s the end of that.

on point of view. what does that say?

because subconscious art: I am a warrior princess.

L u c k


on meeting your match

on matchsticks falling

the game.


I always lose.

would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?

would you rather be happy, or does your pride matter that much?

happiness. what is that?

neutrality is stability.


“you’re creepy with the energy thing.”

I wish you could take a hint.

that isn’t fair, but it’s true and I’m sorry

better out, than in.

when in doubt, algebra. a neutral analogy and it gets one’s point across.

all other times, creative analogies. they’re probably mostly terrible but why eat a bowl of cereal when you can jazz it up with cinnamon, almond butter, and chia seeds?

on full meals rather than empty.

because x when I meant o. screw that, I meant 5. high five. five. cinq.

and we can be friends so long as I foreground your subtext


I’m going to be productive today, and I might have a concussion but I might also just be depressed or something. I’m sick of being so tired.

get it.


There’s something omni-potent about blogging that seems to set patterns in motion. I’m not sure if it’s the private/public domain of expressing yourself publicly while knowing the “public” is so convoluted only the most irrelevant articles get passed around on one’s Facebook feed. Maybe, it’s the “I’m paying attention but only insofar as I hope you might, in kind, be paying attention” quasi-stalker mentality. Perhaps, it’s the “thoughts are energy” and you attract what you put out there new-age schtick. Whatever. I’m not trying to ignite a rant here, I hope you get my point.

All I’m saying is, when I blog about things, they tend to actually happen to me in my real life. As an example, I started a blog when I was 18. A  young lass freshly thrown into university life, I was bitter, lonely, misunderstood, and drivel. I started blogging about the musings of an alter ego that existed in my mind. I think I called her Patysse. I knew a girl named Patisse when I was taking acting and modeling lessons, and I took a shine to this girl Patisse. When I created the blog, I added a “Y” in keeping with the crazy Hanson tradition and I brainstormed adventures that I would go on were I actually this woman Patysse. I don’t think I blogged about her for longer than one post, one irrelevant, cliche post at that, but here I am, a few years later, and I’m no longer that docile doormat wishing she were brave enough to claim herself some excitement. Audacity is no longer an issue for me. Balance and health and being “good” is, but that’s another story.

I also taught myself how to be an intuitive eater through a couple-month long process of blogging, food blogging specifically. It wasn’t original but it was beneficial. Is there a virtue in being original?

Anyway, long story short, some things I want to start incorporating into my routine:

1. writing. daily. short story writing, short film brainstorming, poem writing, character describing, WHATEVER, get your ass writing. and no, blog writing doesn’t entirely count, nor does essay writing. well, maybe some essay writing.

2. GET. A. JOB. waitressing, hosting, temping, whatever. You’re going to PARIS in a few months, you’re going to need some money.

3. figure out my Parisian wardrobe. I tend to be adaptable, and while I’m no chameleon, some of my Seattle do ups probably won’t cut it in Paris.

4. write. make stuff. be. productive.



because photobucket

on wasting time

because facebook

on myspace top 8s

because dinner

because romance.

on friendship

and romance?

because friendship ll romance.

because family.

I’m wasting time.

on self-absorption

and over-eating

because balance

on treadmills

(because listening to music)

on drowning out the world

because listening.

on drowning

and suicide

on violente romances

because fantasy.



because chemistry

biology is destiny (?)

I’d have your babies were I desiring of the things.

on motherhood

because (she loves her cat more)

on ice and fire

apples and oranges

sneakers and slippers

on body positivity.

apples are as beautiful as grapefruits

I’d still rather eat a grapefruit.

I can eat a grapefruit every day.

(apples are only occasional)

because blogging

and writing

and time

and waste

on the news

gay marriage

trans identity


growing up

pockets. [pockets[pockets] pockets]

because pockets.

Valezquez, what about him?

on color filters

and bourgeois critiques

“it isn’t a film, it’s an attempt at cinema”




because Paris

on money

(with) out

because Paris

for Paris

to Paris

from Paris

“audacity isn’t a virtue”

(duplicity isn’t a virtue)

duplicity is a profession

audacity is a transgression

your desire may not be duplicitous but your role models aren’t perfect

and I like transgressions.

because judeophilia

because francophilia

because you don’t care

because you smell (to me)

because okay.

because you’re outta time.

on ephemerality

and ethereality

because I love you.

because love.

because friendship,

because romance,

because it feels good.

because I don’t care

on resistance

because I’m resistant.

because we want the same things.

because with(out), because (with) in

because I’m arguing with myself.

you won’t win, you just won’t

it isn’t about winning.

she whispered.

Destress with Dal


Destressing for some people means hitting the bar. For others, it means more time simply sweating it out at the gym. Running works for others, some embark on cleaning sprees. Others like to bake, I’m pretty sure sex works for everyone, and some people get super unhealthy about it and resort to various coping methods I don’t need to mention.

Personally, when I’m stressed out, I need a full palate of destressers, of both the “healthy” and “non-healthy” variety. Starting out my day with a good, hard run followed by my whipping up a creative post-run breakfast always helps. But I can’t do both of these things every single day. Even when I can and do, about halfway through my day, particularly on heavily-triggering days, I’m overcome by sudden, strong urges to hit the bar. Over the summer, I grew rather partial to Big Mario’s, particularly their “Power Hour.” Dollar beer for an hour…so tempting. Anyway, assuming that I resist this urge (as I most often do) I keep going about my day and start thinking about what creative dish I might cook up for dinner. I most always frown at the thought of the mountain of leftovers I remember to be sitting in my fridge, but I keep going, anyway. I run through the (recently accumulated) list of ingredients that have emptied my pocket book but filled up my cupboards, and I start wondering what yummy dessert I might decide to try out.

Really, the only positive destresser that does NOT appeal to me, not ever, is cleaning. Which is unfortunate. But another story entirely.

Currently (and I know this is mild compared to most foodies, and only the beginning, trust me) I have in my cupboards seven different nut butters, four different sweetners, two flours, three oils, so many spices……..

I have leftover pumpkin puree I still need to put to use, leftover pancake mix, fudge in the freezer PLUS the vegan rolos I made last night…..

But I need to keep on baking, I must master all of these recipes.

SO for once in my life, I’m going to be that nice person who randomly provides you with an unprecedented batch of cookies. I say unprecedented, but it is the holiday season, so I guess it’s not really that original or unprecedented, but you get my point.

People I must bake for, and soon:

Alena — She’s currently out with all kindsa crazy health problems. Knowing me, by the time I get around to making her something (that I don’t decide to eat myself) she’ll probably be back in Seattle. But who could say no to a batch of healthy goodies?

My grandparents + Kaelya — Say no more. I’ve been MIA from their lives as of late, and Kaelya’s a growing child. This needs to happen more than once during the holiday season.

Connor — He’s a bad person to bake for because he’s weirded out by / biased about the vegan aspect (whereas, with Alena and my grandparents, they simply won’t know until after the fact…if I even decide to tell them…) but he’s also supportive and accepting in regards to all things “Dalyce.” He’s also out with an injury, so there you have that.

The Northwest Film Forum — I used to be a regular volunteer. Now, I’m sporadic at best and flakey at the worst. But they’ve all been really good to me, and I’d like for nothing better than to make the perfect batch of yumminess for those hard working guys and gals.

My sister & co — It’s too late for house-warming but I’m sure she wouldn’t say no to baked goods.

My father — He’s lonely & lives off Pepsi, pretzels and ramen. Say no more.

Andrew — Simply because I miss him, though he’s also probably biased about the vegan thing.

lalalala I’m running out of ideas. I would add my best friends to this list but I plan on cooking & baking them out of house & home when I’m down there. Another person who is not on this list is my mother, simply because she’s not really  an eater, never has been. She’s more of a baker. I happen to be a baker AND an eater, so we’ve always got on well.

All that said and done, I think this is a good starting point……….now, ready, go.

Marvelous In My Monday (#1)


I know I’ve been post crazy, but today felt like a good day to post my first “MIMM” post. Wow, what a strange acronym.

Anyway, trying to keep this short and sweet, some good news: I got my cholesterol results back. My counts are perfectly healthy. Honestly, when I was a junior in high school, I was at the height of my compulsive over eating, my binging, even purging. I was also running track and doing cocaine (yeah, I was a mess), and I had “high triglycerides.” I’m pretty sure this was due to the amount of peanut butter I was eating, I had NO concept whatsoever of portion control back in those days.

Anyway, glad to know my new found knowledge and lifestyle changes have paid off! One healthy human right here. I’m not even anemic, like I feared I might be!

Moving on. I could post about what I did this weekend, but my life is not wildly interesting, and I don’t like living in the past, anyway. I’ll talk about a milestone reached today instead. Eating lunch, solo, in a room full of your peers. I’ve always been comfortable doing things on my own, more often than not, I even prefer it that way. I’ve never had a problem going to see films alone, I’ve eaten alone at restaurants, I’ve gone into bars alone. One exception to my usual unwavering sense of independence has always been eating lunch in school cafeterias. Since middle school, I’ve suffered through the worst sorts of company, all in an effort not to be seen eating “alone”, God forbid. This wasn’t an issue in high school, as I was lucky enough to make friends who were “my types of people” there, but the issue rose from the ashes when I arrived at college. And the cycle of “fake friends” repeated itself. If I wasn’t trudging through a painfully boring conversation with someone who simply was not like me at all, I was speed walking with my plate, head down, desperately hoping not to be sighted on my way up to dine alone in my room. Today, I realized things are different. I wasn’t planning on eating lunch in the cafeteria (for aesthetics’ sake alone), but I found myself there, and it was fine. I heated up my lentils mash up, I sat down, and I ate, casually reading over my lines while doing so and not giving a hoot or a wink about it.

Anyway, I’m failing at articulating it but the whole experience was rather empowering.

Question of the day: Have you ever dined alone? Or perhaps watched a film (in theaters?) Gone to a concert, maybe? What are your thoughts on being alone in public? 

What the heck, let’s talk about the weekend. I’ll page break just because it can’t be that interesting but I feel like prolonging my procrastination.  Continue reading

WIAW (first ever) and WHAT a week


What a week, and it’s only Wednesday.

I shouldn’t be blogging, but I’m at work, and no one’s in here. That, and after tomorrow, I believe I will finally be caught up with my schoolwork.

Let’s start with my first ever “What I Ate Wednesday” or “WIAW” post. As if you all care.

I don’t have a single picture of my actual meals (for once), but I do have a picture of my dessert and I’ll go ahead and shoot the bull, anyway. My eating was a little bit off today, because I was asked to fast, and we went on a field trip, so I didn’t have time for “lunch” per se:

Pre-MD appointment: ~8:00am black coffee

Breakfast: ~9:40am Healthykitschyvegan’s (Danni’s) Apple pie oat bran parfait topped with 1 TBSP (ish) of Justin’s Honey Almond Butter. So. Tasty.

Snack 1: ~12:30pm half a Dave’s Killer Everything bagel with some soy-free Earth Balance. More black coffee, this time Hazelnut flavored (finished off that bag, finally.)

Snack 2: ~3:00pm Half an apple (the remaining half from the one I used in my oats) and Cinnamon Puffins. Decaffeinated coffee from Cafe Vita, you guessed it, black.

Dinner: ~7:15pm My weekly mash up of lentils, quinoa, red kale, green kale, and rainbow chard, this week featuring Daiya cheese and Yumm! Sauce

Dessert: ~10pm After work, I made a batch of Chocolate Covered Katie’s “Pumpkin-Stuffed Cookies” and taste tested a few. I modified it slightly by using a hodge podge of nut butters, including 1/2 TBSP Justin’s Chocolate Hazelnut Butter, 1/2 TBSP Justin’s Maple Almond Butter, and 1 TBSP of Justin’s Classic Peanut Butter — I wish I’d only used 2 TBSP of nut butter just because it overpowered the pumpkin flavor in the middle but my house mates should be happy to wake up to a fresh batch of cookies anyhow.

As for how many I “taste tested”, it was probably a bit excessive but they were delicious, and my day’s intake was quite healthy soooo that’s that.

Not bad, not great either. I feel like I didn’t quite space my mini meals out far enough in the earlier portion of my day……..allowing myself to stay too “fed”, my blood sugar too “high”. And the only exercise I’ve gotten has been riding my bike to campus and back twice. That’s about….6 miles of bike riding….I feel like a failure and I should probably go home and at LEAST do the 30 Day Shred but I probably won’t, as I have to be up early tomorrow. Oh well, it’s been a weird week. I should be a bit less hard on myself.

I’ve been on a black coffee kick recently…..hm. You know, that’s the ONE thing I actually, kind of truly miss when I’m living dairy-free — coffee with half and half. You just can’t really replace that stuff. The closest I’ve found is Silk Coconut Milk Creamer, but even that just isn’t really the same…..oh well.

Now, onto some bad things that have been clouding up my mind: I haven’t gotten too much exercise in these past few days, not enough at all. Between waking up early for the doctor and being behind in everything and just feeling crappy in general, it just hasn’t happened, and I feel terribly, awfully anxious about it.

I did get my blood drawn today, and should get the results back in a few days, which is the other bad thing on my mind. My brain is currently a propagandistic montage of every “what if” and terrible pathology that’s ever existed. Ever. I’m honestly SO terrified that I have not only Type II Diabetes, but that my triglycerides are too high and I might develop high cholesterol, and that I might be anemic, or have bladder cancer, or a kidney stone, or some other deadly disease resulting from the years and years of gluttony and abuse I performed on my poor little body………..

Anyway, I won’t indulge my own fatalistic thinking, onto other news, and a bit more pleasant: I made the most delicious parfait-style apple pie oats (thanks to @healthykitschyvegan) and they were SO good after fasting for blood work. I ate them right in my class like it was no one’s business. Then again, I often eat during class, especially during my morning class, because who has time to eat breakfast in the morning? I have this weird rule where I can’t skip breakfast, but my appetite doesn’t ever really kick in till around 9 or so, sometimes later, and I can’t eat when not actually hungry, either. So I always end up just eating breakfast in class, on days when I have a morning class. Anyway.

Speaking of class, all of my professors think I’m dying and helpless because, being overly conscientious me, I emailed all of them telling them that I’d been experiencing some random health problems, and that if I’ve been aloof, that’s why, please and thank you for understanding. I didn’t do that for their sympathy, I did that because I’m self conscious about how aloof I’ve been, but whatever. Guess I should be happy they’re even concerned at all.

Moving along, as I mentioned, we took a field trip today, to Lake Washington. Originally, I thought we were only going to Madison Beach, where I’ve been more times than I can count, but we ended up going all the way up north, to Matthew Beach, where I’d never previously been. It was beautiful. We were supposed to kick for bugs and look at them, and I was sort of into it, I guess, but I was mostly into pretending to be far into the woods, splashing around in the stream, and exulting over the bright autumn day and the potpourri surroundings. Here are some pictures:

I feel like I had a point when I started writing this, but realize now that I sort of don’t.

OH. This week, I found out I’ll be acting again. I auditioned on a whim for the student directed one-acts, because I told myself this time last year that I would do that, and ended up getting cast as Alison in my good friend (and past creative partner!) John’s play. We’re doing a scene from the second act of Look Back in Anger by John Osborne, and I’m quite excited to continue my work with John (but in a different context). Beyond the excitement of working with John, I’m mostly just excited to revisit an old passion of mine, one I’ve repressed since high school when I kissed it goodbye completely. While I do tend to “under” act (my way of combatting my fear and distaste for overacting!), acting will be especially good for me, especially now, because it allows for me to tap into and put to use my (often overwhelming) pool of emotional intelligence.

Speaking of emotional intelligence, I’m really pleased with my Writing Non-Fiction class. I always seem to pick the EXACT classes that I need to challenge myself and further my own development. Perks to relying on intuition exclusively…..As I was saying, I’m pleased with it, I’m not spending as much time writing and refining my essays as I’d like to be, but I’m happy with the material I’m generating (my biggest issue is finishing these essays strongly…) and I’m also happy with how my memory-recall seems to be picking itself back up.

Yesterday, we were to do an in-class writing exercise titled “On ___”, on either “laughter”, “fear”, or “loneliness”. I chose loneliness, and I was in a great mood, perfectly astute and charmingly sociable. Today I feel the EXACT opposite, I just want to be a wallflower today and I’ve been mumbling something terrible.

But as I said, despite yesterday’s feeling great, I wrote this, which is a near perfect portrayal of my inner turmoil, minus missing people because I’m not really missing anyone terribly, other than Megan, but I’m always missing her.

~*~ “On Loneliness/indecision/restlessness” — stream of consciousness with names changed

Nothing really sounds appealing, and company sounds especially appalling. I’m tongue-tied and anxious & restless and I know I’d be terrible company anyway, but I sort of just want someone to come over and hold me, maybe caress my arms or something, like Mom always used to do. But no, I don’t wish to be needy, I’ll just make some tea and watch a movie or something. But I can’t concentrate. I’ll write something, that’s what I’ll do. Why can’t I write anything? Right, I can’t concentrate. Who would I even call, should I be feeling social? I have no friends. I mean, of course I have friends, but they’re out living their lives like normal human beings. What am I doing with my life? It’s a Friday night and all of my roommates are out. R’s at a show, J’s out with some guy, as is JJ, and S is out with her Americorps friends. Stephanie’s going to Barboza later, with A & J n co, maybe I’ll go out with them. But no, I hate Capitol Hill on Friday nights, especially Barboza. Though, dancing does sound fun. But then I’d have to get ready. I don’t much feel like getting guzzzied. Plus, it’s raining, anyway. I wish S were here, I miss him. I miss his shoulders, and his soft skin, and the definition on his arms, and his — never mind, he has a girlfriend, and a life, and a work ethic. If he’s not out working on some project, surely he’s out camping or hiking with his live in girlfriend. I wish I had a car, I’d sure like to go camping. Camping sounds great. But who would I bring? I don’t much feel like entertaining, I sort of just want to listen to Radiohead on the drive up (Kid A, please) & refrain from speaking at all. I’d make a delicious vegan sandwich (with Yumm sauce, mmm) and climb off the beaten trail, perch down by some secret stream, drink some wine, maybe. THEN maybe my camping partner and I could speak to each other, touch each other maybe, other stuff….if only I had a boyfriend who materialized on command, who existed for no other reason than to go do such things with me. Maybe some day, when I’m 32. But right now, it just isn’t really fair. And I’m still sitting at home, wasting my life. Maybe I’ll try out one of those recipes I’ve been staring at………


Not the highest quality of writing but kind of a snap shot of my brain when I’m feeling lonely but anti social.

I know I’ve already set the precedent for NOT following through on things I say to ‘expect’ to see on here, but honestly, some things to expect: 1. That October/Halloween/Zombie/Mom’s old boyfriend essay I mentioned — I need to finish that for its own sake but I might as well post it on here, maybe that will motivate me to actually finish it and finish it good. 2. Another essay, this time on relationships! I wrote last weeks essay “on relationships” and I’m quite pleased with the first…half or so of the thing. I haven’t quite fleshed it out, and it needs a strong finish (shocking) but I must post this one because, around this time last year, I posted a “note” on Facebook about that very topic, relationships! That post was more of a brain vomit than an actual essay. I’m excited to see how my views have or have not changed over the course of (one eventful!) year. Maybe I’ll write an essay “on relationships” every October for the rest of my life. Who knows.

With all of that in mind, I’m going to get back to the actual work of catching up on my school work.


Questions: What’s your favorite “pass time” or activity when you’re feeling lonesome, but unable to properly socialize? 

What natural beauties exist in your area of residence, and how often do you allow yourself to get out and enjoy them? 

list (less) and aloof


good things right now:

I joined the Central Coop.

I have a new French press.

I feel more creative.

I (sort of) fixed my computer and so can listen to Kid A when I can’t sleep.

I feel better than I have for the past few days.

I can afford to go to the doctor.

It’s autumn.

bad things right now:

I am experiencing rather alarming symptoms and fear I have a blood sugar disorder.

I’m sort of behind in school.

I don’t know what I’m doing when I graduate.

I didn’t sleep last night.

I’m still not a Pilates expert.

I’m broke.

I’m disconnected from my family.

My bike needs fixing.

busy week, I need to focus on being creative as far as writing and filmmaking go. Cooking and blogging will fall into place on their own.