What is Normal, Anyway? Part 3

Going to actually finish this thing, then get back to some real posts 🙂 Again, I copied this from Madison’s blog, and preserved her meme ad-ins as well, because they were each of them so touching. And so cleverly placed, as well!

21. What is a common misconception that people have about you?

I have a few issues with this question. My main issue is simply, I really do try to live by the “what other people think about you is not your business” rule. As difficult as that can sometimes be. Anyway, I’m a pretty polarizing person, and I like to think the “cool” people get me. I don’t really care to ponder what my peers do or do not think about me but I know for sure I can come off as stuck up, judgmental, lower class, upper class, socially retarded, etc. etc. Some of these “misconceptions” are not misconceptions at all but honestly, if you do find your way into my circle, you’ve found yourself a loyal and devoted (if not always available or healthy) friend for life. At the same time, some of these “misconceptions” are indeed “misconceptions”, but I’m not going to waste my time proving it.

22. What is something no one can take away from you? 

Madison said it–my mind, more explicitly, my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences, my opinions, my ideas.

23. What is something that you would hate to go without for a day?

Water. But that’s primal. So maybe chap stick, or lotion, though I have done both (it isn’t pleasant…)

24. When you look into the past, what do you miss the most?

“Crawl back into bed to dream of a time where you loved things just because, like the sick, or the dying…” Jenny Lewis says it best, and Madison again touched on it. I miss being care free and “loving things just because.” More than that, I was more observant when I was younger, I put clues together more easily and intuitively. Now, I’m so clouded by stressors and fears and obsessions and worries, that I’m not always aware of what’s going on. When this happens, I sometimes feel like I’m two steps behind everyone else, though spiritually and experientially I feel light years beyond “everyone” else or at least, my peers….

<– totally did this, and still do sometimes.

25. What memory from the past year makes you smile the most? 

Sorry, but that’s private. Some things are private with me, and my smiles are definitely one of them.

26. What is the number one change you need to make in your life in the next 12 months?

I need to work on my organization. I need to be more financially responsible. I need to have a healthier relationship with food, my body, my appearance, etc. I need to exercise my creativity. Blah this list is growing rapidly but basically organization. Everything else will fall into place if I can work on enhancing that…..

27. If not now, then when? 

When I move into my new apartment? That’s in January. Excuse, I know, but seriously, I can’t be productive, creative, or clear-thinking until I can finally come home to a safe environment…….It’s been 21 years since I’ve had one of those, and I don’t care how hyperbolic that sounds, it’s the truth.

28. What have you done that you are truly proud of?

Survive. Not be my parents. Make it to college, do well in college. Screen one of my first films in a local festival. Love. Allow myself to be loved. Find my way. Keep going. Trust myself. Trust others. A lot of things, you know.

29. What is something new that you have recently learned about yourself?

I can run further and harder than I think. My body is stronger than I think. And did you know? Since I’m a woman, I have the ability to maintain my own life plus the life of a developing fetus inside of me for nine months in times of emergency or famine. Of course, evolutionarily, this makes perfect sense, but I had never really thought about it. Also, not to be sexist or encourage dichotomies, but men are less likely to be able to survive in like extenuating circumstances 🙂 Thought that was pretty neat. Go women.

30. What do you want to remember forever?

This falls into the category of “private.”

31. What could society do without?

My answer is similar to Madison’s — “The negative criticism of body image.” Expanding upon that, I make the bold statement that the world would be a better place could we abolish the concept of expectations. At least, expectations so far as physical attributes go. While I think that some traits are, in fact, objectively beautiful, as Donne says, no man is an island….Person y’s negative body image affects the greater scheme of the world just as your positive body image does, but why allow the two to cancel each other out? While person X with objectively beautiful figure should celebrate them self and their beauty, they should work also toward embodying celebratory personality traits, a celebratory intellect, celebratory productions or creations, etc. And Person X’s celebration regarding their objectively beautiful figure should never be cause for Person Y to mourn.

32. What is one thing, right now, that you are totally sure of?

I’m loved, and I’m going to be okay.

33. If you had the opportunity to get the message across to a lot of people, what would that message be?

You’re beautiful, you’re loved, and you’re going to be okay. And stop expecting things from other people, why set yourself up for disappointment 🙂

34. What is something you said you’d never do, but have since done? 

I said I’d never get lower than a C on anything, yet when I got my science test back….

35. What is something that you changed your mind about as you’ve grown older? What love is and isn’t, where I wish to live, what I wish to do…a lot of things, shockingly.

36. What didn’t last forever, but was still worth your while?

Past romances and/or friendships. Of course. I like to think of myself as a teacher of sorts, because I know most people I encounter end up learning a lot from me (if not factually, spiritually, emotionally, or intellectually, definitely.) On the flip side, I tend to attract people who in turn act as teachers of sorts for me. It’s a win-win situation and most tend to be sprinkled with good great times.

37. If you could go back in time and tell a younger version of yourself something, what would you tell? 

You are beautiful, and you’re going to be okay. You are loved, and you will find mature love. At the same time, you’re not the only one who’s hurting, so be careful what you say and do, because you never know the impact your words or actions might have on someone close to you. There’s a lot I would say, as I’m sure is the case for most people. That’s life, isn’t it?

38. If you were dying in 60 seconds, what would your last words be? 

Private. Honestly, I feel like these types of questions are misleading. What is the essence of a person? Can that be defined (or disputed) based on the arbitrary chunk of words that come out of their mouth in those final moments of their life? I could give you something “profound” that I would ideally utter as my last words, but I doubt it’d be a realistic representation of what would actually come out of my mouth. A person can’t be essentialized in a sentence, no matter what period of that person’s life said sentence is uttered.

39. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you have done?

What criteria would even measure that? I mean, objectively, at this point, probably yes. Speaking tangibly, and materialistically. But who’s judging? What factors are running in the background? I think there’s definitely something to be said about the things I’ve given to the people who matter to me, but maybe that’s just me.

40. What questions do you often ask yourself?

Why am I not more productive? What do I think? What am I trying to say? What do I actually think? Why can’t I ever arrive at a decision? Both sides have valid points, yes, but why for the life of me can’t I pick one?

Also, I agree with Madison–  “Why do I feel like I’m the only one going through some things? I realize I’m not, but it’s hard to remember that there are others out there just like me. No exceptions.”

Basically, everyone is struggling to some degree, even if their struggles are not necessarily your own. And whatever the worst thing that has happened to a given person is, that’s the worst thing that’s happened to them and it sucks. You’re not special or more singled out simply because your “worst thing” is more traumatic than their “worst thing.” Period, end of story.

Survey Part II :)

Getting a little bit post crazy again, and a little self-indulgent maybe, but my creativity has been dry lately and since I have about 3 papers to pump out by tomorrow…..one of them being an “instant expert” paper…I give you more of that “What is normal, anyways?” survey!

11. Who makes you feel good about yourself? I am super lucky to have an amazing support system full of beautiful, creative, and intelligent people who make me feel like a princess. It’s a small support system, but it’s a strong support system, and I’ll say it again, I am very lucky. As for specifics, these people include friends from high school who are scattered about the country but still important and very much integrated into my life, friends and lovers that I know in this city, and my sister.

12. What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend? Good question. I don’t “look” for anything necessarily, but I am quite picky when it comes to choosing friends. From an outsider’s perspective, it probably doesn’t make very much sense at all. Common threads my favorite people all seem to share (despite being so radically different from one another) are intuition, emotional intelligence, radical acceptance, independence, an interest in the arts, spontaneity, passion, a profound ability to “face adversity” <– hate that phrase but let’s just use it because it gets the point across. I could list more but that’s a strong enough base, I think.

13. What has the fear of failure stopped you from doing?Weird question — are you referring to at this point in my life now? Or in the past? In the past, fear of failure has stopped me from joining clubs, volunteering at places, auditioning for things, applying for things….Lately, it’s stopping me from making more films and writing more.

14. What is something you’ve always wanted since you were a kid? To be on my own in an amazing city with beautiful, creative, and intelligent people as my friends and the  security to pursue the things I wish to pursue. Sounds general, but I’m so ever changing that it almost has to be.

15. What stands between you and what you want? Money, core credits that I need to fulfill, time, guilt and obligations in regards to my family….those things 🙂 Hey, at least most of these are issues that will figure themselves out 🙂

16. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy? Sit in bed and listen to music. Drink hot cocoa. Watch a movie. Go for a long walk. Actually, going for a long walk does wonders for me. When I’m down, it’s very difficult for me to force myself out of it, so I usually just try to ride it out like I would were I to come down with a cold, or sprain my wrist, or something.

17. When did you first realize that life is short? Is this a question? It’s something I’ve always been aware of, but it’s also something that I’m never quite moved by until a significant amount of time goes by between one point in my life and another. It happens in that epiphonal moment where I realize how radically different my life is from my life at a specific point in time. Things that trigger this awareness are universal, I think, things like friends moving away, moving into a new house, going away for college, preparing to graduate from college, breaking your record in regards to your relationships and how long they do or don’t last….

18. What do you need to spend more time doing? I don’t like the phrases “you need to” or “you should” because I don’t like forcing things nor do I like obligations, but for my own good, I could pay more attention to managing my finances and budgeting (this includes actually paying my hospital bills…), I could actually start going to class regularly, and I could be spending far more time on my homework, on my weekly papers, on reading up about politics and the arts, etc……I need to read more, I need to watch more films, what are you trying to say!

19. What issues do you continuously refuse to confront?  Financial issues. I stick my head in the sand when it comes to that……..

20. What is that a lot of people do that you disagree with? Oh, good question. Anyone who knows me knows I’m always down for an opportunity to get preachy and moralistic 🙂 You know, the above meme sort of sums it up for me. People expect things. They expect things from other people, and more often than not, those expectations are completely unrealistic. It isn’t fair to the person acting as the “object” of one’s expectation, and it isn’t fair to the person expecting something. Shakespeare was right, it does lead to heartbreak, but it also leads to profound disappointment, conflict, tension, guilt, shame, and all sorts of negative emotions. The only thing I personally expect from any of my friends is that they are loving, supportive, and accepting of my individuality. And if it ever gets to a point where they can no longer fulfill any of those “expectations” honestly, I expect that they will walk out of my life in a mature, “let’s just live and let live” type of manner.

That’s all for today. I’m going to look at apartments today! Very excited. In fact, I’m going to be late in meeting my friend because I was doing this instead…One day I’m going to learn to be on time to things.