Anxiety on high and WIAW

I skipped class again because I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t leave my house. This really needs to stop, it’s becoming   quite pathetic. Honestly, my “excuse” is, not only am I stressed about family issues, but I caught a late screening of a film last night, got home later than usual, and decided not to set an alarm. Meaning I had time neither for a run nor some mini Pilates sessions. The sad part is, that I could hardly even pay attention to the film, which is a shame, because not only was I genuinely interested in the film, but I was in good company…..I really need to learn how to relax. ANYWAY. Onto: Image

I woke up around 8am, and had some coffee with Silk Coconut Milk creamer, French Vanilla.

I then jogged over to Garfield Field, and did some HIIT. I sprinted up & down, walked up, jogged back down, and repeated. I did this 5 times. It felt amazing. While I was running, I saw some late high school stragglers shuffling their ways to class (or not) and a pair of custodians were watching my running intently. Sounds silly, but I felt a bit rebellious, knowing I probably was “trespassing” it being school hours and all. Oh well.

By the time I got back to my house, I was not craving the cookie dough oats I’d prepared the night before, so whipped up this instead: Image

Lunch for breakfast, because why the fuck not. If you can’t quite see all the details from the (iPhone) photo, it’s half a Dave’s Killer Everything Bagel, 1 TBSP of Veganaise, 1 slice of Artisan Vegan Field Roast (Wild Mushroom), half a baby avocado, and a tofu scramble with red & green kale. It was quite delicious, the perfect post-run breakfast.

I then finished up some writing that I’d neglected to do over the weekend. I must be PMSing or something, because I was craving chocolate like a mofo. I made some decaffeinated chamomile with maple syrup, had a few bites of the Nutella Fudge I made the night before, even a square of dark chocolate. Nothing seemed to satisfy my need for sweet.

I didn’t eat this all myself, but this is what it looked like by the time I remembered to take a picture of it.

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I was happy when lunch rolled around, which I ate right before I (finally) left my house for class. This is when I whipped out the Breakfast Cookie Dough   I made. I made mine overnight oats style & with Chia seeds, plus some maple syrup and 1 TBSP of Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter. Image

I walked to class (about 1.4 miles) and during the thing, received a text message from my dad which triggered some negative emotions. I could hardly get through the class (I’m so fragile as of late…) and afterwards, I was fuming, steaming, wanting to punch, kick, and throw things. I didn’t, of course, though I probably scared some people with my speed walking. I ended up walking into Big Mario’s to hit power hour. I haven’t done this since summer, I hardly even drink anymore, but it felt appropriate……Image

Dollar beer just in time to help me “cope.”

It was time for a long walk after that. I mentioned I left my keys on Bainbridge Island, so I walked downtown to retrieve them from my friend’s father’s law offices. About 1.6 miles round trip, but I continued the adventure, and walked down Broadway to return Notorious. Add another mile and a half or so of walking.

I got back to campus just in time to heat up my dinner, which was simply my lentil/quinoa/kale mash up, this week with minced garlic, onions, and daiya cheese. Image

Can you believe that I was still craving chocolate? I ordered a hot cocoa with almond milk, which I drank during my evening class.

After class, I caught up on emails and things for an hour, then went to see The Connection at the Northwest Film Forum. I was a bit distracted, though I was happy to see the person I saw it with, but the energy was sort of off between us, which is unfortunate. What I hate about seeing people for long periods of time — it gets to a point where things just sort of feel routine, and while you may have nights where the energy is right on par and things are absolutely amazing, you also have nights like yesterday that are just sort of .. off. and blah. blah.

blah.

Anyway, generally, when we see films together, we catch earlier screenings, and I think he got rather hungry during the film, because he went to get some popcorn and started wolfing it down like a crazy person, much to my amusement. He kept offering it to me and while I was a bit hungry too (seriously, yeah), I wasn’t really feeling popcorn, but I grabbed a few handfuls. Our hands kept colliding as his seemed perpetually reaching back to fetch more kernels! It was silly. I rather liked the film, though as I said, wasn’t of the most astute attention. Got at issues of voyeurism & privilege, ethics & disconnects. Reminded me that while heroine addicts are heroine addicts are heroine addicts, at least the ones in the 60s played neat jazz music. Now, junkies just sit around like the guys in the film, but they listen to Miley Cyrus & watch MTV. Boring, awful.

Anyway, it was late when the film got out and we were both anxious to get home because we both like to wake up early (ish) and conduct our morning routines and we both sort of had unpleasant things on our minds and I’m super neurotic as of late anyway, I got on my bicycle and rode home. It felt so good to ride my bicycle! I’d been without it for two days, having my keys stuck on Bainbridge Island and him being locked up on campus.

Went home and opened another beer, started drinking it,  realized I didn’t want it, just went to bed without even bothering to set an alarm after becoming suddenly exhausted. Pretty alright day.

Now, off to do more interval training! Or maybe a long jog. Not sure which I’m feeling yet, but I need to turn this day around, and fast.

WIAW (first ever) and WHAT a week

Aside

What a week, and it’s only Wednesday.

I shouldn’t be blogging, but I’m at work, and no one’s in here. That, and after tomorrow, I believe I will finally be caught up with my schoolwork.

Let’s start with my first ever “What I Ate Wednesday” or “WIAW” post. As if you all care.

I don’t have a single picture of my actual meals (for once), but I do have a picture of my dessert and I’ll go ahead and shoot the bull, anyway. My eating was a little bit off today, because I was asked to fast, and we went on a field trip, so I didn’t have time for “lunch” per se:

Pre-MD appointment: ~8:00am black coffee

Breakfast: ~9:40am Healthykitschyvegan’s (Danni’s) Apple pie oat bran parfait topped with 1 TBSP (ish) of Justin’s Honey Almond Butter. So. Tasty.

Snack 1: ~12:30pm half a Dave’s Killer Everything bagel with some soy-free Earth Balance. More black coffee, this time Hazelnut flavored (finished off that bag, finally.)

Snack 2: ~3:00pm Half an apple (the remaining half from the one I used in my oats) and Cinnamon Puffins. Decaffeinated coffee from Cafe Vita, you guessed it, black.

Dinner: ~7:15pm My weekly mash up of lentils, quinoa, red kale, green kale, and rainbow chard, this week featuring Daiya cheese and Yumm! Sauce

Dessert: ~10pm After work, I made a batch of Chocolate Covered Katie’s “Pumpkin-Stuffed Cookies” and taste tested a few. I modified it slightly by using a hodge podge of nut butters, including 1/2 TBSP Justin’s Chocolate Hazelnut Butter, 1/2 TBSP Justin’s Maple Almond Butter, and 1 TBSP of Justin’s Classic Peanut Butter — I wish I’d only used 2 TBSP of nut butter just because it overpowered the pumpkin flavor in the middle but my house mates should be happy to wake up to a fresh batch of cookies anyhow.

As for how many I “taste tested”, it was probably a bit excessive but they were delicious, and my day’s intake was quite healthy soooo that’s that.

Not bad, not great either. I feel like I didn’t quite space my mini meals out far enough in the earlier portion of my day……..allowing myself to stay too “fed”, my blood sugar too “high”. And the only exercise I’ve gotten has been riding my bike to campus and back twice. That’s about….6 miles of bike riding….I feel like a failure and I should probably go home and at LEAST do the 30 Day Shred but I probably won’t, as I have to be up early tomorrow. Oh well, it’s been a weird week. I should be a bit less hard on myself.

I’ve been on a black coffee kick recently…..hm. You know, that’s the ONE thing I actually, kind of truly miss when I’m living dairy-free — coffee with half and half. You just can’t really replace that stuff. The closest I’ve found is Silk Coconut Milk Creamer, but even that just isn’t really the same…..oh well.

Now, onto some bad things that have been clouding up my mind: I haven’t gotten too much exercise in these past few days, not enough at all. Between waking up early for the doctor and being behind in everything and just feeling crappy in general, it just hasn’t happened, and I feel terribly, awfully anxious about it.

I did get my blood drawn today, and should get the results back in a few days, which is the other bad thing on my mind. My brain is currently a propagandistic montage of every “what if” and terrible pathology that’s ever existed. Ever. I’m honestly SO terrified that I have not only Type II Diabetes, but that my triglycerides are too high and I might develop high cholesterol, and that I might be anemic, or have bladder cancer, or a kidney stone, or some other deadly disease resulting from the years and years of gluttony and abuse I performed on my poor little body………..

Anyway, I won’t indulge my own fatalistic thinking, onto other news, and a bit more pleasant: I made the most delicious parfait-style apple pie oats (thanks to @healthykitschyvegan) and they were SO good after fasting for blood work. I ate them right in my class like it was no one’s business. Then again, I often eat during class, especially during my morning class, because who has time to eat breakfast in the morning? I have this weird rule where I can’t skip breakfast, but my appetite doesn’t ever really kick in till around 9 or so, sometimes later, and I can’t eat when not actually hungry, either. So I always end up just eating breakfast in class, on days when I have a morning class. Anyway.

Speaking of class, all of my professors think I’m dying and helpless because, being overly conscientious me, I emailed all of them telling them that I’d been experiencing some random health problems, and that if I’ve been aloof, that’s why, please and thank you for understanding. I didn’t do that for their sympathy, I did that because I’m self conscious about how aloof I’ve been, but whatever. Guess I should be happy they’re even concerned at all.

Moving along, as I mentioned, we took a field trip today, to Lake Washington. Originally, I thought we were only going to Madison Beach, where I’ve been more times than I can count, but we ended up going all the way up north, to Matthew Beach, where I’d never previously been. It was beautiful. We were supposed to kick for bugs and look at them, and I was sort of into it, I guess, but I was mostly into pretending to be far into the woods, splashing around in the stream, and exulting over the bright autumn day and the potpourri surroundings. Here are some pictures:

I feel like I had a point when I started writing this, but realize now that I sort of don’t.

OH. This week, I found out I’ll be acting again. I auditioned on a whim for the student directed one-acts, because I told myself this time last year that I would do that, and ended up getting cast as Alison in my good friend (and past creative partner!) John’s play. We’re doing a scene from the second act of Look Back in Anger by John Osborne, and I’m quite excited to continue my work with John (but in a different context). Beyond the excitement of working with John, I’m mostly just excited to revisit an old passion of mine, one I’ve repressed since high school when I kissed it goodbye completely. While I do tend to “under” act (my way of combatting my fear and distaste for overacting!), acting will be especially good for me, especially now, because it allows for me to tap into and put to use my (often overwhelming) pool of emotional intelligence.

Speaking of emotional intelligence, I’m really pleased with my Writing Non-Fiction class. I always seem to pick the EXACT classes that I need to challenge myself and further my own development. Perks to relying on intuition exclusively…..As I was saying, I’m pleased with it, I’m not spending as much time writing and refining my essays as I’d like to be, but I’m happy with the material I’m generating (my biggest issue is finishing these essays strongly…) and I’m also happy with how my memory-recall seems to be picking itself back up.

Yesterday, we were to do an in-class writing exercise titled “On ___”, on either “laughter”, “fear”, or “loneliness”. I chose loneliness, and I was in a great mood, perfectly astute and charmingly sociable. Today I feel the EXACT opposite, I just want to be a wallflower today and I’ve been mumbling something terrible.

But as I said, despite yesterday’s feeling great, I wrote this, which is a near perfect portrayal of my inner turmoil, minus missing people because I’m not really missing anyone terribly, other than Megan, but I’m always missing her.

~*~ “On Loneliness/indecision/restlessness” — stream of consciousness with names changed

Nothing really sounds appealing, and company sounds especially appalling. I’m tongue-tied and anxious & restless and I know I’d be terrible company anyway, but I sort of just want someone to come over and hold me, maybe caress my arms or something, like Mom always used to do. But no, I don’t wish to be needy, I’ll just make some tea and watch a movie or something. But I can’t concentrate. I’ll write something, that’s what I’ll do. Why can’t I write anything? Right, I can’t concentrate. Who would I even call, should I be feeling social? I have no friends. I mean, of course I have friends, but they’re out living their lives like normal human beings. What am I doing with my life? It’s a Friday night and all of my roommates are out. R’s at a show, J’s out with some guy, as is JJ, and S is out with her Americorps friends. Stephanie’s going to Barboza later, with A & J n co, maybe I’ll go out with them. But no, I hate Capitol Hill on Friday nights, especially Barboza. Though, dancing does sound fun. But then I’d have to get ready. I don’t much feel like getting guzzzied. Plus, it’s raining, anyway. I wish S were here, I miss him. I miss his shoulders, and his soft skin, and the definition on his arms, and his — never mind, he has a girlfriend, and a life, and a work ethic. If he’s not out working on some project, surely he’s out camping or hiking with his live in girlfriend. I wish I had a car, I’d sure like to go camping. Camping sounds great. But who would I bring? I don’t much feel like entertaining, I sort of just want to listen to Radiohead on the drive up (Kid A, please) & refrain from speaking at all. I’d make a delicious vegan sandwich (with Yumm sauce, mmm) and climb off the beaten trail, perch down by some secret stream, drink some wine, maybe. THEN maybe my camping partner and I could speak to each other, touch each other maybe, other stuff….if only I had a boyfriend who materialized on command, who existed for no other reason than to go do such things with me. Maybe some day, when I’m 32. But right now, it just isn’t really fair. And I’m still sitting at home, wasting my life. Maybe I’ll try out one of those recipes I’ve been staring at………

~*~

Not the highest quality of writing but kind of a snap shot of my brain when I’m feeling lonely but anti social.

I know I’ve already set the precedent for NOT following through on things I say to ‘expect’ to see on here, but honestly, some things to expect: 1. That October/Halloween/Zombie/Mom’s old boyfriend essay I mentioned — I need to finish that for its own sake but I might as well post it on here, maybe that will motivate me to actually finish it and finish it good. 2. Another essay, this time on relationships! I wrote last weeks essay “on relationships” and I’m quite pleased with the first…half or so of the thing. I haven’t quite fleshed it out, and it needs a strong finish (shocking) but I must post this one because, around this time last year, I posted a “note” on Facebook about that very topic, relationships! That post was more of a brain vomit than an actual essay. I’m excited to see how my views have or have not changed over the course of (one eventful!) year. Maybe I’ll write an essay “on relationships” every October for the rest of my life. Who knows.

With all of that in mind, I’m going to get back to the actual work of catching up on my school work.

xx

Questions: What’s your favorite “pass time” or activity when you’re feeling lonesome, but unable to properly socialize? 

What natural beauties exist in your area of residence, and how often do you allow yourself to get out and enjoy them?