SOC02182013

Aside

On sitting in a stick structure building a stick structure:

you’re creating, I’m destroying. or maybe, I’m merely changing as I scrape my fingernails along the dampening wood. if they can even be called fingernails.

listening.

directness.

skipping down valleys and leaping over into new ones at will.

next.

fail.

this isn’t going anywhere.

cool story.

and that’s the end of that.

on point of view. what does that say?

because subconscious art: I am a warrior princess.

L u c k

NRE

on meeting your match

on matchsticks falling

the game.

losing.

I always lose.

would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?

would you rather be happy, or does your pride matter that much?

happiness. what is that?

neutrality is stability.

B O U N D A R I E S

“you’re creepy with the energy thing.”

I wish you could take a hint.

that isn’t fair, but it’s true and I’m sorry

better out, than in.

when in doubt, algebra. a neutral analogy and it gets one’s point across.

all other times, creative analogies. they’re probably mostly terrible but why eat a bowl of cereal when you can jazz it up with cinnamon, almond butter, and chia seeds?

on full meals rather than empty.

because x when I meant o. screw that, I meant 5. high five. five. cinq.

and we can be friends so long as I foreground your subtext

(bs)

I’m going to be productive today, and I might have a concussion but I might also just be depressed or something. I’m sick of being so tired.

SOC101022013

Aside

because photobucket

on wasting time

because facebook

on myspace top 8s

because dinner

because romance.

on friendship

and romance?

because friendship ll romance.

because family.

I’m wasting time.

on self-absorption

and over-eating

because balance

on treadmills

(because listening to music)

on drowning out the world

because listening.

on drowning

and suicide

on violente romances

because fantasy.

disconnectivity

connectivity

because chemistry

biology is destiny (?)

I’d have your babies were I desiring of the things.

on motherhood

because (she loves her cat more)

on ice and fire

apples and oranges

sneakers and slippers

on body positivity.

apples are as beautiful as grapefruits

I’d still rather eat a grapefruit.

I can eat a grapefruit every day.

(apples are only occasional)

because blogging

and writing

and time

and waste

on the news

gay marriage

trans identity

identity

growing up

pockets. [pockets[pockets] pockets]

because pockets.

Valezquez, what about him?

on color filters

and bourgeois critiques

“it isn’t a film, it’s an attempt at cinema”

okay.

okay.

okay.

because Paris

on money

(with) out

because Paris

for Paris

to Paris

from Paris

“audacity isn’t a virtue”

(duplicity isn’t a virtue)

duplicity is a profession

audacity is a transgression

your desire may not be duplicitous but your role models aren’t perfect

and I like transgressions.

because judeophilia

because francophilia

because you don’t care

because you smell (to me)

because okay.

because you’re outta time.

on ephemerality

and ethereality

because I love you.

because love.

because friendship,

because romance,

because it feels good.

because I don’t care

on resistance

because I’m resistant.

because we want the same things.

because with(out), because (with) in

because I’m arguing with myself.

you won’t win, you just won’t

it isn’t about winning.

she whispered.

What is Normal, Anyway? Part 3

Going to actually finish this thing, then get back to some real posts ūüôā Again, I copied this from Madison’s blog, and preserved her meme ad-ins as well, because they were each of them so touching. And so cleverly placed, as well!

21. What is a common misconception that people have about you?

I have a few issues with this question. My main issue is simply, I really do try to live by the “what other people think about you is not your business” rule. As difficult as that can sometimes be. Anyway, I’m a pretty polarizing person, and I like to think the “cool” people get me. I don’t really care to ponder what my peers do or do not think about me but I know for sure I can come off as stuck up, judgmental, lower class, upper class, socially retarded, etc. etc. Some of these “misconceptions” are not misconceptions at all but honestly, if you do find your way into my circle, you’ve found yourself a loyal and devoted (if not always available or healthy) friend for life. At the same time, some of these “misconceptions” are indeed “misconceptions”, but I’m not going to waste my time proving it.

22. What is something no one can take away from you? 

Madison said it–my mind, more explicitly, my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences, my opinions, my ideas.

23. What is something that you would hate to go without for a day?

Water. But that’s primal. So maybe chap stick, or lotion, though I have done both (it isn’t pleasant…)

24. When you look into the past, what do you miss the most?

“Crawl back into bed to dream of a time where you loved things just because, like the sick, or the dying…” Jenny Lewis says it best, and Madison again touched on it. I miss being care free and “loving things just because.” More than that, I was more observant when I was younger, I put clues together more easily and intuitively. Now, I’m so clouded by stressors and fears and obsessions and worries, that I’m not always aware of what’s going on. When this happens, I sometimes feel like I’m two steps behind everyone else, though spiritually and experientially I feel light years beyond “everyone” else or at least, my peers….

<– totally did this, and still do sometimes.
25. What memory from the past year makes you smile the most? 
Sorry, but that’s private. Some things¬†are¬†private with me, and my smiles are definitely one of them.

26. What is the number one change you need to make in your life in the next 12 months?

I need to work on my organization. I need to be more financially responsible. I need to have a healthier relationship with food, my body, my appearance, etc. I need to exercise my creativity. Blah this list is growing rapidly but basically organization. Everything else will fall into place if I can work on enhancing that…..

27. If not now, then when? 

When I move into my new apartment? That’s in January. Excuse, I know, but seriously, I can’t be productive, creative, or clear-thinking until I can¬†finally¬†come home to a safe environment…….It’s been 21 years since I’ve had one of those, and I don’t care how hyperbolic that sounds, it’s the truth.

28. What have you done that you are truly proud of?

Survive. Not be my parents. Make it to college, do well in college. Screen one of my first films in a local festival. Love. Allow myself to be loved. Find my way. Keep going. Trust myself. Trust others. A lot of things, you know.

29. What is something new that you have recently learned about yourself?

I can run further and harder than I think. My body is stronger than I think. And did you know? Since I’m a woman, I have the ability to maintain my own life plus the life of a developing fetus inside of me for¬†nine months¬†in times of emergency or famine. Of course, evolutionarily, this makes perfect sense, but I had never really thought about it. Also, not to be sexist or encourage dichotomies, but men are less likely to be able to survive in like extenuating circumstances ūüôā Thought that was pretty neat. Go women.

30. What do you want to remember forever?

This falls into the category of “private.”

31. What could society do without?

My answer is similar to Madison’s — “The negative criticism of body image.” Expanding upon that, I make the bold statement that the world would be a better place could we abolish the concept of expectations. At least, expectations so far as physical attributes go. While I think that some traits are, in fact, objectively beautiful, as Donne says, no man is an island….Person y’s negative body image affects the greater scheme of the world just as your positive body image does, but why allow the two to cancel each other out? While person X with objectively beautiful figure should celebrate them self and their beauty, they should work also toward embodying celebratory personality traits, a celebratory intellect, celebratory productions or creations, etc. And Person X’s celebration regarding their objectively beautiful figure should¬†never¬†be cause for Person Y to mourn.

32. What is one thing, right now, that you are totally sure of?

I’m loved, and I’m going to be okay.

33. If you had the opportunity to get the message across to a lot of people, what would that message be?

You’re beautiful, you’re loved, and you’re going to be okay. And stop expecting things from other people, why set yourself up for disappointment ūüôā

34. What is something you said you’d never do, but have since done? 

I said I’d never get lower than a C on anything, yet when I got my science test back….

35. What is something that you changed your mind about as you‚Äôve grown older?¬†What love is and isn’t, where I wish to live, what I wish to do…a lot of things, shockingly.

36. What didn’t last forever, but was still worth your while?

Past romances and/or friendships. Of course. I like to think of myself as a teacher of sorts, because I¬†know¬†most people I encounter end up learning a lot from me (if not factually, spiritually, emotionally, or intellectually, definitely.) On the flip side, I tend to attract people who in turn act as teachers of sorts for me. It’s a win-win situation and most tend to be sprinkled with good¬†great times.

37. If you could go back in time and tell a younger version of yourself something, what would you tell? 

You are beautiful, and you’re going to be okay. You are loved, and you will find mature love. At the same time, you’re not the only one who’s hurting, so be careful what you say and do, because you never know the impact your words or actions might have on someone close to you. There’s a lot I would say, as I’m sure is the case for most people. That’s life, isn’t it?

38. If you were dying in 60 seconds, what would your last words be? 

Private. Honestly, I feel like these types of questions are misleading. What is the essence of a person? Can that be defined (or disputed) based on the arbitrary chunk of words that come out of their mouth in those final moments of their life? I could give you something “profound” that I would ideally utter as my last words, but I doubt it’d be a realistic representation of what would actually come out of my mouth. A person can’t be essentialized in a sentence, no matter what period of that person’s life said sentence is uttered.

39. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you have done?
What criteria would even measure that? I mean, objectively, at this point, probably yes. Speaking tangibly, and materialistically. But who’s judging? What factors are running in the background? I think there’s definitely something to be said about the things I’ve given to the people who matter to me, but maybe that’s just me.

40. What questions do you often ask yourself?

Why am I not more productive? What do I think? What am I trying to say? What do I actually¬†think? Why can’t I ever arrive at a decision? Both sides have valid points, yes, but why¬†for the life of me can’t I pick one?

Also, I agree with Madison– ¬†“Why do I feel like I‚Äôm the only one going through some things?¬†I realize I‚Äôm not, but it‚Äôs hard to remember that there are others out there just like me. No exceptions.”

Basically, everyone is struggling to some degree, even if their struggles are not necessarily your own. And whatever the worst thing that has happened to a given person is, that’s the worst thing that’s happened to them and it sucks. You’re not special or more singled out simply because your “worst thing” is more traumatic than their “worst thing.” Period, end of story.

Minding Your Body-Image History

As I highlighted earlier, body-image has been on my mind lately. Not only because of group, though that is a reinforcing factor, but because my psyche seems to naturally be flocking in that direction (the healthy direction.) Every week, we discuss a particular topic, and our group facilitator emails us all supplementary readings to peruse (or not peruse) at our leisure. This week, she included a body-image history survey complete with affirmations. Perhaps it seems cheesy or unnecessary, but I’m going to fill it out for the world to hear (or not hear) because I think it will be a healthy thing for me to do and what else would I be doing while getting paid to sit in a room? (homework…cough) Going to throw out a trigger warning, just to be on the safe side, but here goes!

Examine your body-image history. Understanding your past can help you understand how your body image, or your mental picture of yourself, developed and why it is so difficult to accept. Fill in the blanks below.

As a child, I felt indifferent about my body. I described my body with words like: skinny, thin, lanky, scrawny, stick like, flat-chested, small, tiny, pot bellied, big stomach, little, slim, etc. 

As a teen, I felt self-concious about my body. I described my body with words like: chubby, thin, skinny, fat, huge, obese, pregnant, lanky, big stomach, skinny legs, flat-chested, side fat, back fat, overweight, fat stomach, pot bellied, small, ginormous, tall, flat butt, etc. 

As a young adult, I felt uncomfortable about my body. I described my body with words like: out of shape, fat, chubby, huge, obese, pregnant, short-waisted, jiggly, tall, leggy, small-breasted, curvy, stick-like, thin, ginormous, pig, hippo, overweight, weak, unfit, waifish, scrawny, etc. 

As an adult, I felt¬†okay¬†about my body. I described my body with words like: ¬†leggy, medium-framed, fat, huge, thin, average, out of shape, flabby, curvy, short-waisted, tight butt, sexy, pregnant, small, unfit, lazy, etc. (perhaps I’m not¬†quite¬†an adult yet….)

At this moment, I feel okay about my body. I describe my body with words like: strong, energetic, nourished, smart, injured, average, bloated, short-waisted, curvy, sexy, strong legs, big bellied, fat stomach, tall, long-limbed, gazelle-like, etc. 

Growing up, my caregivers, friends, and family described my body with words like: too skinny, short-waisted, on the heavier side, long-legged, etc. 

My caregivers, friends, and family currently describe my body with words like: great, thin, small, curvy, perfect, tall, small-breasted, perfect, sexy

How does your view of yourself differ from how other people view you now and how they viewed you in the past? Clearly, my friends have a more positive image of me and my body than I do. Clearly, the friends I have now are more loving, positive, and supportive than past caregivers and/or family members have been.

Do you have difficulty “letting go” of your past identity or body image?¬†

Yes, I do. Mainly because I look back at my past “mes” and I remember the negative feelings, insecurities, and associations I had in regards to my body. And I think to myself, WHY didn’t you do more about it? You didn’t exercise enough, you didn’t read enough about nutrition, you didn’t educate yourself, etc. etc. This thought process even includes frightfully twisted “why didn’t yous”……. including (I hate to admit this) thoughts like,¬†Why didn’t you starve yourself more? Why didn’t you start earlier?

Anyway, and basically, ¬†I’ve been self-conscious about my stomach since I was about 8 years old — I always hated swimming¬†simply¬†because I didn’t want to have to wear a bathing suit. Things only got worse when my sister became a gymnast, and I started going to her gym meets, looking at all of the stick skinny girls, seeing her with her 8 pack, etc. I was never active as a child, I was always an “inside” kid and preferred reading to physical activity. I always felt like the “fat one” in the family, since my mom was always super¬†thin. Sorry to talk numbers, but I remember buying a certain size of jeans when I was 11, and my mom telling me that she wore that size all throughout high school. I just remember thinking, “Wow, if Mom was this small as a teenager, and I’m this big just barely into my pre-teens, how huge of a person am I going to be????”

Middle school was just stupid. Regardless of that little voice in my head feeling a bit concerned about being “fat” when older, I knew deep down that I was actually thin. In fact, in middle school, my peers decided that I was so¬†thin I must¬†be anorexic. Cue in the bullying and the name calling, and the cheer leaders calling me anorexic despite my own thoughts that I was huge in comparison to them, I had a fat stomach where they had toned fitness, etc.¬†¬†Middle school is also where I started eating more, because my grandmother started talking behind my back about how I wasted food and was too skinny. I started forcing myself to finish my plate, ate more junk food, etc…..

Things got a little bit ridiculous in high school where I experimented with various behaviors, some of them healthy but most of them¬†not.¬†No need to go into it…let’s just say, there’s about a 50 pound difference between my “high” weight and my “low” weight, and in high school, I was at any given point at my thinnest (and unhappiest) my heaviest (and also unhappiest), and my¬†most fit¬†(my happiest.) I became a vegetarian, I dabbled with drugs, I started messing with other dangerous behaviors…..I was sort of a hellish mess in high school, though nothing compared to my friends (one of them even got sent away to a girl’s recovery camp. my problems were nothing compared to that!)

Well, high school feels like ages ago, and I am now preparing to graduate college and am 21. I still struggle with food, body image, and keeping my behaviors under control. While I *know* that positive reinforcement and being kind to yourself is important, and I make an honest effort every day to be good to myself and love me, it’s¬†way¬†easier said than done. I didn’t intend for that question to ignite this mini rant/history but basically, body image history is hard to let go of because of my inability to accept the behaviors I did¬†and did not¬†partake in. Make sense? Yeah. It’s dumb. Moving on.

Similarly, people with body image issues make the mistake of thinking that bad eating behavior (mindless eating) equals¬†bad person. Instead it would be helpful to think, “Accept myself, and tweak the mindless eating.”¬†

Wow, what wise words! Now, some pictures of my dinner/lunch from the past two days just as a breather from all the intense body-image discussion:

 

Dinner I cooked up with my friend Laura — Actually, she did all of the cooking while I sat there and chopped the kale but it’s cumin/cinnamon spiced and baked sweet potato/yam, carmelized onions, and sauteed kale over quinoa and French green lentils ūüôā Super clean. Super tasty. Cooking and communal eating should happen for everyone at least once daily.

Watching Laura cook so meticulously inspired me to do something similar for lunch the next day:

 

Baked sweet potato/yam spiced with curry powder and dill supplementing some sauteed curried tofu and broccoli ūüôā Now back to body image stuff…

Acceptance Exercise: accepting the gif

First, imagine that you are you are at your birthday party, and you have received a gift. It is exactly what you wanted. Picture what this would be (but be realistic.) Write down what this gift is. 

Can I make it known that I don’t¬†really¬†believe in birthday parties? I mean, if someone invites me to their birthday, I’ll go¬†of course¬†and I’ll be supportive¬†of course. But personally, they feel like any other day to me….But that’s beside the point. The perfect birthday present. And I have to be¬†realistic?¬†Is that even in my vocabulary? My persona? Ahem……A 6 month stay in Europe is¬†all¬†that is on my mind lately. If someone could grant me that….That would make my life. BUT back to being realistic. Maybe a nicer food processor? A slow cooker? A nicer blender? Some good knives? A collection of nut butters? New brakes for my bike? A massage? A pedicure? The latter three, really. I’m not a girly girl at all, but my nails could definitely use some tender love and care….as for my bike, I currently ride a death trap.

Now, imagine that at your birthday party you are celebrating a friend’s birthday as well. You can’t keep this gift you love, because it was intended for your friend. An she has accidentally picked up the gift intended for you. You exchange it with her. Write down how it feels to let go of the gift you really wanted.¬†

Here’s the part where I start to wonder where this is going….and wow. I guess that depends on who the friend is, which gift it was (since I wrote down so many), etc. etc. Here’s the part where I stop qualifying these hypotheticals! Short answer: if the Europe trip was actually someone else’s, I would probably rage up with jealousy and envy..though I would be happy for my friend and wish them a mind-blowing experiencing. I would acknowledge that I probably just wasn’t meant to experience Europe at that point….If it was any of the kitchen items, I would simply tell them that we should make cooking dates a regular thing! If it was the bike or nail thing, I would shrug it off and realize that I’m okay as things are now, and I’ll be okay without it still.

The gift that was meant for you is something that you didn’t really want. Describe a gift you recently got that you didn’t really like.¬†

Okay, I know these questions are hypothetical, but seriously, does the writer of these questions know to whom they are speaking? It’s¬†me.¬†I don’t expect my friends to get me anything, ever. And when they do get me things, my friends are so amazing that they¬†always¬†get me something that is perfect for¬†me¬†as a person. I guess the last gift that I received that I did’t want was the non-functioning blender my mom gave me, and that’s because the damned thing doesn’t work…..That, or my dad gave me this Christian book that he wanted me to read…..

Consider what you could do with this gift. How would you make the gift fit into your life or be of use? For example, you might give the gift away. Maybe you hold on to the gift anyway in case it might come in handy someday. Write down what you could do with this imaginary gift. 

With the blender, I suppose I could excite my inner DIY and take it apart, trinketing with parts & wires like my mom’s crazy ex-boyfriend…I could keep playing with the cord as my mom tells me to do, to see if the thing could work….I could recycle it, or take it to a junk yard. As for the book — I guess I could read it, for a fresh perspective. I could sell it. I could donate it. I could leave it on someone’s porch, or I could burn it, or I could ……cut it up and make art out of the cut up pages.

Goal:¬†Finding a use for a gift you don’t want can give you inspiration. You can use this example as a guide for how to think about accepting your body. Your body is a gift. You don’t always get the gift you want or ask for, but you can accept it graciously and make it work or fit into your life.¬†

Wow, now I feel like a giant asshole. Leave it to me to completely not¬†get something, and miss the point entirely. Honestly, the parable is sort of weak. Not exactly very compelling. Not the strongest note with which to end this little exercise….though I’m glad I did complete it.

I guess the most profound thing (so profound) I can take from this is, just like my friends are all so amazing that any gift they might choose to grant me with would be perfect, not only for me generally but for me at that particular point in time specifically, so my body is perfect for me and my designated life path whatever that may be! ūüôā K going to go vomit over my own profundity ūüôā Have a good day.

Silly Saturday because I can’t think of a better acronym.

Yesterday, in my body image / eating concerns group we discussed …. body image, believe it or not. We discussed the media, the problems with the BMI system, the non-existence of most “women” seen in advertisements, etc. We watched some videos from the Dove Campaign¬†and we listed out the traits we associate with “super models” and the life qualities they seem to embody through advertisement. Through these lists, we were able to illuminate the false correlation between being “model esque” and happy, successful, loved, etc. Not to mention, the (lack of) relevance being intelligent,¬†creative,¬†kind-hearted, or¬†productive¬†seems to have on the lives of these so-called¬†“perfect” women. There were four of us present today, five including our therapist, and it was raw, it was rough, it was rewarding.

I don’t really feel like going over it, honestly. While I’ve been working really hard at keeping my own behaviors under control, I have good days, I have bad days, I have days where I’m not concerned about it at all….Lately, my body image seems stuck in the simply “alright” category, paired with much hounding over how little of my time I’ve been devoting to exercising. I was doing an hour of Pilates four-five days a week just last month. Now I run twice a week, on a good week.

That isn’t even the point. Honestly, I’ve been self-conscious not necessarily about my looks (though, more and more every day I try to minimize the amount of times I have to look into a mirror), I haven’t stepped on the scale in weeks (I’m afraid to, and there isn’t much point, anyway.) Instead, I’ve been concerned with my so-called “eccentric” personality and habits. I don’t think¬†I’m an ill-mannered person, I¬†think¬†I have some degree of social awareness, but there are days when I feel judged by persons making up my surroundings, not only on campus but in the greater Seattle area….A friend told me the other day that he “would have gotten bored of me weeks ago, except for the fact that¬†nothing¬†I do is normal.” Sometimes, I really do feel like I’m from a different planet, and that¬†should be¬†and¬†is¬†a good thing, I must believe that, but it can’t be a great thing until I learn to not only embrace it but harness it for good and creative ends as well.

Now, I know virtually everyone¬†is absurd in their own way, we’re all unique, and defining “normal” is as futile a task as intelligent discussion with Todd Akin probably is. I don’t mean this to be a pity party, but living in this city is just such a weird thing for me,¬†still. I I feel like I still have much of the Las Vegas lingo ingrained into my personality and my shoes are falling apart, yet I go to Seattle University and have a 3.8 GPA. ¬†I drink my water out of a mason jar and shop at the central coop yet I¬†can’t¬†sing along to every Nirvana song that’s ever been written, nor could I tell you the first thing about the latest musical trends as seen on Pitchfork. I hang out at the Northwest Film Forum yet I’ve never seen¬†The Godfather¬†all the way through, and I have a talent for all things writing yet only learned to pronounce the word “succumb” about a year ago.

I know everyone struggles with these day to day nuances of fitting in yet maintaining individuality and keeping up yet honestly assessing one’s own interests, strengths and weaknesses. I get it, these things are not unique to me and yet …. I’m so radically honest, I don’t want to play “the game”, I’m painfully self-aware and independent to the point where I not only isolate myself too much but refuse to keep up with trends for the sake of impressing you in conversation. At the same time, I have a profound need to outdo you in conversation. I can’t relate to my peers, yet I’m too young for the older crowd because apparently, people from the older crowd don’t even expect me to know Fleetwood Mac.

Sometimes, I just feel like I can’t win and that I might¬†actually sprout wings, horns, or turn green, or something. I’ve been bullied for being “weird” since elementary school, and maybe I should just accept that that isn’t really something that just stops, no matter how “mature” or “old” or “enlightened” the rest of the world supposedly grows. Not to mention, I’m an individual, right? I give zero hoots what other people think, right? I’m friends with fascinating, dynamic, and ethereal individuals who love me simply because¬†I’m such a nutter, yet that isn’t always enough and¬†I still can’t quite figure out how it all makes sense … being so unconcerned with what other people think on the one hand; being so painfully upset by the slightest instance of rejection or even off-putting behavior directed your way on the other. Even when said behaviors come from people you neither admire nor even respect! In some (many) cases.

Some self-love seems to be in order, before this little “I’m too strange for the world” crisis of mine spirals out of my control. I really am trying to come to terms with all things “Dalyce.” I took this from Madison (Eating 4 Balance) and really appreciated most of the media she included, so I’ve preserved that as well. Madison, if you ever read this, I hope you don’t mind!

What is normal anyways?

1. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?¬†I can engage in a conversation that begins with my least favorite question, “What do you do?” Sounds elementary, but I used to abhor this question (still do in a lot of ways, but I’m learning to embrace it as a part of reality.) Not only that, but though it’s still a struggle, I can¬†even participate in this conversation¬†without self-deprecating, and I’m on my way to figuring out how I can do this without revealing too many negatives about my past and up-bringing.

2. What has been on your mind most lately?¬†Europe. Nebraska. Politics. Individuality. Romance. Writing. Possibility. How people connect. How people don’t connect. How I’m probably from Titan. How I’m not actually. How I’m restless and dreamy as ever and lately, and how I want to be anywhere but here.

3. Right now, at this moment, what do you want most? To be finished with school, to be a paid and valued copy editor on some book / website / blog / newsletter related to the arts, to live in a more ideally located apartment with my best friend, to know how to speak French, to move to Europe, etc. etc. etc.

4. In order of importance, how would you rank: happiness, money, love, health, fame?Health, love, happiness, money, fame. If that feels like a strange order, here’s my reasoning: There is no happiness without love, and no love without health. Money is, unfortunately, often required for health, but it is not a good thing in and of itself, and fame would just stress me the fuck out.

5. What word best describes how you‚Äôve spent the last month of your life?¬†Avoiding. <– going to keep Madison’s answer, unfortunately this is true for me, too.

6. What is the number one motivator in your life right now?¬†Knowing that I have love and support in my life, and that while I may go through elongated struggles, I’m going to graduate soon, I’m going to find a fulfilling job, I’m going to be able to travel, I’m going to learn to harness my creativity and make documentary films and I will get healthy and fit and run marathons and climb mountains and everything’s going to be okay.

7. In one sentence, who are you?¬†I am Dalyce — radically honest, profoundly independent, painfully self-aware, deeply but secretly loving, frustratingly inconsistent, and incomparably passionate though only in waves.

8. What do you want to be known for? Being real, being wise, being understanding.

9. If you had to move 300 miles away, what would you miss the most?¬†Everything about this city is breath-taking and amazing to me, so I would miss the city itself. Other than that, there are definitely one to two humans from whom I really don’t wish to part…..

10. In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?¬†If you know me at all, you know I resent the thought of projecting or expecting¬†anything¬†about the future, the future to me meaning what I may or may not be eating for dinner this evening. So, keeping true to that but while attempting to remain hopeful and optimistic, let’s say I’ll live in a more ideal situation, I’ll be more fit, I’ll have a healthier relationship with my self and with food, I’ll be a better cook, and I’ll be writing / copy-editing consistently.

Okay, I think that’s all for now. This survey is considerably longer, and I’ll probably fill out the rest at some point because it’s important that I maintain constantly that sense of who I am, what I think, what I want, where I’ve come from, where I intend to go, etc. etc. and while some of these questions may or may not feel generic, they’re exercises and it helps. Off for a run and a mini trip to the grocery store, have a great day. I leave you with one of my favorite songs, though do note it’s not my favorite performance of the thing.¬†

Fitness Friday rolls in November! (As If)

Just kidding. Except not really. This week has¬†hardly¬†been about fitness. Which is unfortunate. I’ve hardly slept in three days, and my exercise has consisted of a few warm-up Pilates moves, walking to campus, biking around, walking from the grocery store, you know. I¬†did¬†go for a run this past Monday but other than that, it’s been a pretty rough week, mostly because I haven’t slept but also because it was my “mid-terms” week and also because I haven’t been dealing with stress in quite the healthiest of ways.

Moving on. October is over, I can hardly believe it’s November. What a month! I screened a film in a festival, became obsessed with Pilates, became unobsessed (but still interested) in Pilates, became addicted to Green Monsters, decided to start training for marathon-racing, turned in more late assignments than I’ve ever turned in in my life, missed more classes than I’ve missed in my college career, quit smoking, rekindled my love for writing, rekindled¬†confidence in my voice and my writing, watched a lot of Hitchcock, kicked a fever, kicked a wave of depression, kicked a bunch of leaves, had epic kitchen failures, had epic kitchen successes, started blogging again, decided to join a food / eating concerns / body image-themed therapy group, thought about how I’m going to market myself for post-graduation jobs, gained more encouragement in regards to my writing, baked a ton, spent all my money on groceries, joined the Central Coop, and most recently, decided to start making steps at changing my living arrangements.

Long list. I also spent my Halloween in a¬†real¬†haunted hotel. Okay, I don’t know if it’s actually haunted but they say it is and it¬†is¬†sure¬†filled with history and haunted with memory if not ghosts. A friend of mine was screening a film he’d shot at said hotel, and I stopped by after my long twelve-hour day to not only support but also to indulge my childhood fascination with haunted houses, my thoughts on manufactured frights vs. real life hauntings, and to hear some bites of history I just knew he’d be able to provide.

November Goals (Short-List Because I’m Brain Dead)¬†

1. Run at least 3 times a week! My first week of “training” has sort of been a failure.

2. Do Pilates (1 hour, at least!) at least twice a week.

3. Learn to budget, budget, budget. Just because I stopped smoking and cut back on drinking does not mean I can spend every penny I earn on expensive groceries…..

4. Find a way to stay engaged in my school work and carry this quarter through with a strong finish despite a rocky start.

5. Stop over-eating! Stop obsessing! Eat slowly! Eating is sacred!

6. But still eat.

7. Bake for people.

8. blah. get sleep.

9. Research apartments and hopefully finalize the move / find a replacement for my current situation!

I’m realizing this post has no focus but my brain, honestly, has no focus right now. The main things on my mind are 1. food / eating concerns / body image group and 2. my decision to consider moving

On group:¬†I’d like to post a reflection / illustration piece that gets at the core of my first experience with this but I’m not sure how to do that without breaking anonymity / keeping true to positivity. Not that I had a bad first experience, I definitely didn’t. But when I can figure out a healthy way to convey this, expect that soon.

One thing I will share — one of the group rules is no eating, for obvious reasons, and of course, what happens to me, my stomach starts growling about halfway through the thing, so awkward, I hope I didn’t trigger anyone, God. My stomach hasn’t growled like that since high school when I was sitting next to a guy in history class who I thought was sort of attractive. or something. Stomachs never growl unless you’re in a room full of people and everyone’s really quiet. Didn’t you know that?

On moving:¬†I’ve finally come to terms to the reality that my living arrangements are no longer ideal. To say nothing against any of my house mates, I feel I’m able to be neither as happy nor as healthy as I’d like to be so long as I continue to live as such. I’ve been suppressing these types of thoughts for some time now, because I really can’t afford to live anywhere else, plus, I’m comfortable with everyone, plus moving sucks, anyway, but I faced it head on the other day. I (thankfully) already have someone who’s also looking for a place and I think we could make it work. Hopefully everything goes according to plan, if they do, ideally, I’ll be able to make moving a reality by January at the latest. Apartment living, here I come! (so, I hope.)

Why am I posting when I can hardly think? I do not know. I leave you with this.

Question of the day: What’s your best “my stomach is growling and this is quite awkward” story? The best thing about this experience is, I know it happens to everyone occasionally, as do most “embarrassing” things that I only¬†think¬†happen to me and me exclusively, because we’re all human and it’s sort of beautiful how much we have in common despite being so utterly, often painfully, different.

Marvelous In My Monday (#2)

Honestly, these “acronym themed days” are sort of cheesy to me but I sort of like them as well. Of course, because that’s sort of how I feel about everything. Anyway, feeling much better about things today. I feel more engaged in my school work and I successfully made my own hummus and cashew butter yesterday. Something amazing is in the oven right now and I’m finally getting this baking thing down. The chronicle below can be found in my “running journal” page but I decided to post it on here because I don’t have much else of interest to speak about right now, or that I feel like blogging about, at any rate.

Monday, October 29, 2012 (Day 3) 

Nutrition Episode

Woke up and had some coffee with 1 TBSP of Silk French Vanilla Coconut Milk Cream, a Green Monster, and a slice of Udi’s Gluten-Free Cinnamon Raisin Bread with some soy-free Earth Balance. This happened between 8:30 and 9:30. Ate an Iced Gingerbread Clif Bar plus more coffee with almond milk during my class between 9:40 & 10:45.

Workout, Route, and Music Episode

Today, I did the¬†Volunteer Park¬†run I was supposed to do yesterday. I started on 13th and Columbia, ran up to 16th, and from there, straight to Volunteer Park. As for music, today was sunny but stormy. The wind roared a riveting rhapsody to me as I ran through the neighborhood, leaves floating all around me in a beautiful autumn menagerie‚Ķ‚Ķ.In other words, I left my iPod behind. The run would have been nearly 5 miles had I completed it, but here‚Äôs what happened: running up from 13th to 16th killed me ‚ÄĒ I think I took it a bit too rapidly. I walked about 10 paces after making it up the hill, then picked up again with the jogging. Successfully jogged all the way to the park, and started continuing down along the park trail, when I slowed to a walk and simply got lost in the park‚Äôs beauty. I found myself at the water tower, which I ran up and around. I (sort of) ran back down, where I slowed to a walk again, and simply walked back to campus down 13th ave.

Feelings Episode

Like I said, was feeling a bit weak in the beginning but as I pushed myself to keep going, I felt much stronger. I’m not beating myself up for not completing the run, I did complete the run there, which in itself is 2.4 miles. I made it back to campus in about 45 minutes, which isn’t really bad, considering I sort of took my sweet time on the way back, and at the park especially. I can’t say it enough, it was such a magical day! I thought of all of the feet who’d previously tread that very same trail and I thought about the water tower and my first time heading up it and my friend who runs up it before work every day and all of the people who I’m not responsible but am somehow responsible for because I said yes to him said yes to her said yes to her said yes to him and everyone is interconnected and I really am blanketed by this city I just only need to realize it and maybe I was suffering from a B-12 deficiency, I wasn’t taking my tablets properly and maybe it’s all in my head but I’m feeling much better and stronger about things and these past few weeks of sadness have been so incredibly sad and I know I’m not the only one feeling it but I really do love this city and I know I’m where I’m supposed to be and everything is going to be okay, no, not okay, things are going to be great because they already are if I would only just open my eyes and see it.

Post-Run Nutrition Episode

Rode my bike home and heated up some of the Lentil Sloppy Joe’s I had in the fridge. I had some of that on one slice of Udi’s Gluten-Free Millet-Chia Bread, and another slice of the same with my first-ever batch of home-made hummus! It was delicious, and felt like the perfect “carb-protein” ratio for a post-run meal. Not that I actually know much about that but my body knows more than it thinks it does.

That’s all for today, going to drop off these….baked goods…..assuming they turned out alright, go rent some DVDs, head to rehearsal, and catch up on homework. Mondays really are my favorite days of the week this quarter, which is strange (they’re the days in which I have the most “free time.”)

Question of the day: 

Life is full of ups and downs, we all know this. What’s your healthiest plan of action in regards to “kicking” any ruts you might find yourself stuck in?

Personally, I normally just recluse for a while. I go about my daily routine and complete my responsibilities as needed but I might flake out on some of my extra-curriculars, and I definitely flake out on friends. I’m¬†terrible¬†at faking things so I try to minimize my time spent around people, because I don’t like weighing people down with my ish, especially people that I care about. I try to stay as active as possible, but the main thing that gets me through is, I know it’ll pass. It’s like being sick — there isn’t much you can do for a fever other than drink tea and bundle up, and dream about health & comforts. Why would it be any different with mental sicknesses?

Anxiety on high and WIAW

I skipped class again because I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t leave my house. This really needs to stop, it’s becoming ¬† quite pathetic. Honestly, my “excuse” is, not only am I stressed about family issues, but I caught a late screening of a film last night, got home later than usual, and decided not to set an alarm. Meaning I had time neither for a run nor some mini Pilates sessions. The sad part is, that I could hardly even pay attention to the film, which is a shame, because not only was I genuinely interested in the film, but I was in good company…..I really need to learn how to relax. ANYWAY. Onto:¬†Image

I woke up around 8am, and had some coffee with Silk Coconut Milk creamer, French Vanilla.

I then jogged over to Garfield Field, and did some HIIT. I sprinted up & down, walked up, jogged back down, and repeated. I did this 5 times. It felt amazing. While I was running, I saw some late high school stragglers shuffling their ways to class (or not) and a pair of custodians were watching my running intently. Sounds silly, but I felt a bit rebellious, knowing I probably was “trespassing” it being school hours and all. Oh well.

By the time I got back to my house, I was not craving the cookie dough oats I’d prepared the night before, so whipped up this instead:¬†Image

Lunch for breakfast, because why the fuck not. If you can’t quite see all the details from the (iPhone) photo, it’s half a Dave’s Killer Everything Bagel, 1 TBSP of Veganaise, 1 slice of Artisan Vegan Field Roast (Wild Mushroom), half a baby avocado, and a tofu scramble with red & green kale. It was quite delicious, the perfect post-run breakfast.

I then finished up some writing that I’d neglected to do over the weekend. I must be PMSing or something, because I was craving chocolate like a mofo. I made some decaffeinated chamomile with maple syrup, had a few bites of the¬†Nutella Fudge¬†I made the night before, even a square of dark chocolate. Nothing seemed to satisfy my need for sweet.

I didn’t eat this all myself, but this is what it looked like by the time I remembered to take a picture of it.

Image

I was happy when lunch rolled around, which I ate right before I (finally) left my house for class. This is when I whipped out the Breakfast Cookie Dough   I made. I made mine overnight oats style & with Chia seeds, plus some maple syrup and 1 TBSP of Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter. Image

I walked to class (about 1.4 miles) and during the thing, received a text message from my dad which triggered some negative emotions. I could hardly get through the class (I’m so fragile as of late…) and afterwards, I was fuming, steaming, wanting to punch, kick, and throw things. I didn’t, of course, though I probably scared some people with my speed walking. I ended up walking into Big Mario’s to hit power hour. I haven’t done this since summer, I hardly even drink anymore, but it felt appropriate……Image

Dollar beer just in time to help me “cope.”

It was time for a long walk after that. I mentioned I left my keys on Bainbridge Island, so I walked downtown to retrieve them from my friend’s father’s law offices. About 1.6 miles round trip, but I continued the adventure, and walked down Broadway to return¬†Notorious. Add another mile and a half or so of walking.

I got back to campus just in time to heat up my dinner, which was simply my lentil/quinoa/kale mash up, this week with minced garlic, onions, and daiya cheese. Image

Can you believe that I was still craving chocolate? I ordered a hot cocoa with almond milk, which I drank during my evening class.

After class, I caught up on emails and things for an hour, then went to see¬†The Connection¬†at the Northwest Film Forum. I was a bit distracted, though I was happy to see the person I saw it with, but the energy was sort of off between us, which is unfortunate. What I hate about seeing people for long periods of time — it gets to a point where things just sort of feel routine, and while you may have nights where the energy is right on par and things are absolutely amazing, you also have nights like yesterday that are just sort of .. off. and blah. blah.

blah.

Anyway, generally, when we see films together, we catch earlier screenings, and I think he got rather hungry during the film, because he went to get some popcorn and started wolfing it down like a crazy person, much to my amusement. He kept offering it to me and while I was a bit hungry too (seriously, yeah), I wasn’t really¬†feeling popcorn, but I¬†grabbed a few handfuls. Our hands kept colliding as his seemed perpetually reaching back to fetch more kernels! It was silly. I rather liked the film, though as I said, wasn’t of the most astute attention. Got at issues of voyeurism & privilege, ethics & disconnects. Reminded me that while heroine addicts are heroine addicts are heroine addicts, at least the ones in the 60s played neat jazz music. Now, junkies just sit around like the guys in the film, but they listen to Miley Cyrus & watch MTV. Boring, awful.

Anyway, it was late when the film got out and we were both anxious to get home because we both like to wake up early (ish) and conduct our morning routines and we both sort of had unpleasant things on our minds and I’m super neurotic as of late anyway, I got on my bicycle and rode home. It felt so good to ride my bicycle! I’d been without it for two days, having my keys stuck on Bainbridge Island and him being locked up on campus.

Went home and opened another beer, started drinking it, ¬†realized I didn’t want it, just went to bed without even bothering to set an alarm after becoming suddenly exhausted. Pretty alright day.

Now, off to do more interval training! Or maybe a long jog. Not sure which I’m feeling yet, but I need to turn this day around, and fast.

Marvelous In My Monday (#1)

Aside

I know I’ve been post crazy, but today felt like a good day to post my first “MIMM” post. Wow, what a strange acronym.

Anyway, trying to keep this short and sweet, some good news: I got my cholesterol results back. My counts are perfectly healthy. Honestly, when I was a junior in high school, I was at the height of my compulsive over eating, my binging, even purging. I was also running track and doing cocaine (yeah, I was a mess), and I had “high triglycerides.” I’m pretty sure this was due to the amount of peanut butter I was eating, I had NO concept whatsoever of portion control back in those days.

Anyway, glad to know my new found knowledge and lifestyle changes have paid off! One healthy human right here. I’m not even anemic, like I feared I might be!

Moving on. I could post about what I did this weekend, but my life is not wildly¬†interesting, and I don’t like living in the past, anyway. I’ll talk about a milestone reached today instead.¬†Eating lunch, solo,¬†in a room full of your peers.¬†I’ve always been comfortable doing things on my own, more often than not, I even prefer it that way. I’ve never had a problem going to see films alone, I’ve eaten alone at restaurants, I’ve gone into bars alone. One exception to my usual unwavering sense of independence has always been eating lunch in school cafeterias. Since middle school, I’ve suffered through the worst sorts of company, all in an effort not to be seen eating “alone”, God forbid. This wasn’t an issue in high school, as I was lucky enough to make friends who were “my types of people” there, but the issue rose from the ashes when I arrived at college. And the cycle of “fake friends” repeated itself. If I wasn’t trudging through a painfully boring conversation with someone who simply was not like me at all, I was speed walking with my plate, head down, desperately hoping not to be sighted on my way up to dine alone in my room. Today, I realized things are different. I wasn’t planning on eating lunch in the cafeteria (for aesthetics’ sake alone), but I found myself there, and it was fine. I heated up my lentils mash up, I sat down, and I ate, casually reading over my lines while doing so and not giving a hoot or a wink about it.

Anyway, I’m failing at articulating it but the whole experience was rather empowering.

Question of the day: Have you ever dined alone? Or perhaps watched a film (in theaters?) Gone to a concert, maybe? What are your thoughts on being alone in public? 

What the heck, let’s talk about the weekend. I’ll page break just because it can’t be¬†that¬†interesting but I feel like prolonging my procrastination.¬† Continue reading