get it.

Aside

There’s something omni-potent about blogging that seems to set patterns in motion. I’m not sure if it’s the private/public domain of expressing yourself publicly while knowing the “public” is so convoluted only the most irrelevant articles get passed around on one’s Facebook feed. Maybe, it’s the “I’m paying attention but only insofar as I hope you might, in kind, be paying attention” quasi-stalker mentality. Perhaps, it’s the “thoughts are energy” and you attract what you put out there new-age schtick. Whatever. I’m not trying to ignite a rant here, I hope you get my point.

All I’m saying is, when I blog about things, they tend to actually happen to me in my real life. As an example, I started a blog when I was 18. A  young lass freshly thrown into university life, I was bitter, lonely, misunderstood, and drivel. I started blogging about the musings of an alter ego that existed in my mind. I think I called her Patysse. I knew a girl named Patisse when I was taking acting and modeling lessons, and I took a shine to this girl Patisse. When I created the blog, I added a “Y” in keeping with the crazy Hanson tradition and I brainstormed adventures that I would go on were I actually this woman Patysse. I don’t think I blogged about her for longer than one post, one irrelevant, cliche post at that, but here I am, a few years later, and I’m no longer that docile doormat wishing she were brave enough to claim herself some excitement. Audacity is no longer an issue for me. Balance and health and being “good” is, but that’s another story.

I also taught myself how to be an intuitive eater through a couple-month long process of blogging, food blogging specifically. It wasn’t original but it was beneficial. Is there a virtue in being original?

Anyway, long story short, some things I want to start incorporating into my routine:

1. writing. daily. short story writing, short film brainstorming, poem writing, character describing, WHATEVER, get your ass writing. and no, blog writing doesn’t entirely count, nor does essay writing. well, maybe some essay writing.

2. GET. A. JOB. waitressing, hosting, temping, whatever. You’re going to PARIS in a few months, you’re going to need some money.

3. figure out my Parisian wardrobe. I tend to be adaptable, and while I’m no chameleon, some of my Seattle do ups probably won’t cut it in Paris.

4. write. make stuff. be. productive.

What is Normal, Anyway? Part 3

Going to actually finish this thing, then get back to some real posts 🙂 Again, I copied this from Madison’s blog, and preserved her meme ad-ins as well, because they were each of them so touching. And so cleverly placed, as well!

21. What is a common misconception that people have about you?

I have a few issues with this question. My main issue is simply, I really do try to live by the “what other people think about you is not your business” rule. As difficult as that can sometimes be. Anyway, I’m a pretty polarizing person, and I like to think the “cool” people get me. I don’t really care to ponder what my peers do or do not think about me but I know for sure I can come off as stuck up, judgmental, lower class, upper class, socially retarded, etc. etc. Some of these “misconceptions” are not misconceptions at all but honestly, if you do find your way into my circle, you’ve found yourself a loyal and devoted (if not always available or healthy) friend for life. At the same time, some of these “misconceptions” are indeed “misconceptions”, but I’m not going to waste my time proving it.

22. What is something no one can take away from you? 

Madison said it–my mind, more explicitly, my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences, my opinions, my ideas.

23. What is something that you would hate to go without for a day?

Water. But that’s primal. So maybe chap stick, or lotion, though I have done both (it isn’t pleasant…)

24. When you look into the past, what do you miss the most?

“Crawl back into bed to dream of a time where you loved things just because, like the sick, or the dying…” Jenny Lewis says it best, and Madison again touched on it. I miss being care free and “loving things just because.” More than that, I was more observant when I was younger, I put clues together more easily and intuitively. Now, I’m so clouded by stressors and fears and obsessions and worries, that I’m not always aware of what’s going on. When this happens, I sometimes feel like I’m two steps behind everyone else, though spiritually and experientially I feel light years beyond “everyone” else or at least, my peers….

<– totally did this, and still do sometimes.
25. What memory from the past year makes you smile the most? 
Sorry, but that’s private. Some things are private with me, and my smiles are definitely one of them.

26. What is the number one change you need to make in your life in the next 12 months?

I need to work on my organization. I need to be more financially responsible. I need to have a healthier relationship with food, my body, my appearance, etc. I need to exercise my creativity. Blah this list is growing rapidly but basically organization. Everything else will fall into place if I can work on enhancing that…..

27. If not now, then when? 

When I move into my new apartment? That’s in January. Excuse, I know, but seriously, I can’t be productive, creative, or clear-thinking until I can finally come home to a safe environment…….It’s been 21 years since I’ve had one of those, and I don’t care how hyperbolic that sounds, it’s the truth.

28. What have you done that you are truly proud of?

Survive. Not be my parents. Make it to college, do well in college. Screen one of my first films in a local festival. Love. Allow myself to be loved. Find my way. Keep going. Trust myself. Trust others. A lot of things, you know.

29. What is something new that you have recently learned about yourself?

I can run further and harder than I think. My body is stronger than I think. And did you know? Since I’m a woman, I have the ability to maintain my own life plus the life of a developing fetus inside of me for nine months in times of emergency or famine. Of course, evolutionarily, this makes perfect sense, but I had never really thought about it. Also, not to be sexist or encourage dichotomies, but men are less likely to be able to survive in like extenuating circumstances 🙂 Thought that was pretty neat. Go women.

30. What do you want to remember forever?

This falls into the category of “private.”

31. What could society do without?

My answer is similar to Madison’s — “The negative criticism of body image.” Expanding upon that, I make the bold statement that the world would be a better place could we abolish the concept of expectations. At least, expectations so far as physical attributes go. While I think that some traits are, in fact, objectively beautiful, as Donne says, no man is an island….Person y’s negative body image affects the greater scheme of the world just as your positive body image does, but why allow the two to cancel each other out? While person X with objectively beautiful figure should celebrate them self and their beauty, they should work also toward embodying celebratory personality traits, a celebratory intellect, celebratory productions or creations, etc. And Person X’s celebration regarding their objectively beautiful figure should never be cause for Person Y to mourn.

32. What is one thing, right now, that you are totally sure of?

I’m loved, and I’m going to be okay.

33. If you had the opportunity to get the message across to a lot of people, what would that message be?

You’re beautiful, you’re loved, and you’re going to be okay. And stop expecting things from other people, why set yourself up for disappointment 🙂

34. What is something you said you’d never do, but have since done? 

I said I’d never get lower than a C on anything, yet when I got my science test back….

35. What is something that you changed your mind about as you’ve grown older? What love is and isn’t, where I wish to live, what I wish to do…a lot of things, shockingly.

36. What didn’t last forever, but was still worth your while?

Past romances and/or friendships. Of course. I like to think of myself as a teacher of sorts, because I know most people I encounter end up learning a lot from me (if not factually, spiritually, emotionally, or intellectually, definitely.) On the flip side, I tend to attract people who in turn act as teachers of sorts for me. It’s a win-win situation and most tend to be sprinkled with good great times.

37. If you could go back in time and tell a younger version of yourself something, what would you tell? 

You are beautiful, and you’re going to be okay. You are loved, and you will find mature love. At the same time, you’re not the only one who’s hurting, so be careful what you say and do, because you never know the impact your words or actions might have on someone close to you. There’s a lot I would say, as I’m sure is the case for most people. That’s life, isn’t it?

38. If you were dying in 60 seconds, what would your last words be? 

Private. Honestly, I feel like these types of questions are misleading. What is the essence of a person? Can that be defined (or disputed) based on the arbitrary chunk of words that come out of their mouth in those final moments of their life? I could give you something “profound” that I would ideally utter as my last words, but I doubt it’d be a realistic representation of what would actually come out of my mouth. A person can’t be essentialized in a sentence, no matter what period of that person’s life said sentence is uttered.

39. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you have done?
What criteria would even measure that? I mean, objectively, at this point, probably yes. Speaking tangibly, and materialistically. But who’s judging? What factors are running in the background? I think there’s definitely something to be said about the things I’ve given to the people who matter to me, but maybe that’s just me.

40. What questions do you often ask yourself?

Why am I not more productive? What do I think? What am I trying to say? What do I actually think? Why can’t I ever arrive at a decision? Both sides have valid points, yes, but why for the life of me can’t I pick one?

Also, I agree with Madison–  “Why do I feel like I’m the only one going through some things? I realize I’m not, but it’s hard to remember that there are others out there just like me. No exceptions.”

Basically, everyone is struggling to some degree, even if their struggles are not necessarily your own. And whatever the worst thing that has happened to a given person is, that’s the worst thing that’s happened to them and it sucks. You’re not special or more singled out simply because your “worst thing” is more traumatic than their “worst thing.” Period, end of story.

Survey Part II :)

Getting a little bit post crazy again, and a little self-indulgent maybe, but my creativity has been dry lately and since I have about 3 papers to pump out by tomorrow…..one of them being an “instant expert” paper…I give you more of that “What is normal, anyways?” survey!

11. Who makes you feel good about yourself? I am super lucky to have an amazing support system full of beautiful, creative, and intelligent people who make me feel like a princess. It’s a small support system, but it’s a strong support system, and I’ll say it again, I am very lucky. As for specifics, these people include friends from high school who are scattered about the country but still important and very much integrated into my life, friends and lovers that I know in this city, and my sister.

12. What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend? Good question. I don’t “look” for anything necessarily, but I am quite picky when it comes to choosing friends. From an outsider’s perspective, it probably doesn’t make very much sense at all. Common threads my favorite people all seem to share (despite being so radically different from one another) are intuition, emotional intelligence, radical acceptance, independence, an interest in the arts, spontaneity, passion, a profound ability to “face adversity” <– hate that phrase but let’s just use it because it gets the point across. I could list more but that’s a strong enough base, I think.

13. What has the fear of failure stopped you from doing?Weird question — are you referring to at this point in my life now? Or in the past? In the past, fear of failure has stopped me from joining clubs, volunteering at places, auditioning for things, applying for things….Lately, it’s stopping me from making more films and writing more.

14. What is something you’ve always wanted since you were a kid? To be on my own in an amazing city with beautiful, creative, and intelligent people as my friends and the  security to pursue the things I wish to pursue. Sounds general, but I’m so ever changing that it almost has to be.

15. What stands between you and what you want? Money, core credits that I need to fulfill, time, guilt and obligations in regards to my family….those things 🙂 Hey, at least most of these are issues that will figure themselves out 🙂

16. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy? Sit in bed and listen to music. Drink hot cocoa. Watch a movie. Go for a long walk. Actually, going for a long walk does wonders for me. When I’m down, it’s very difficult for me to force myself out of it, so I usually just try to ride it out like I would were I to come down with a cold, or sprain my wrist, or something.

17. When did you first realize that life is short? Is this a question? It’s something I’ve always been aware of, but it’s also something that I’m never quite moved by until a significant amount of time goes by between one point in my life and another. It happens in that epiphonal moment where I realize how radically different my life is from my life at a specific point in time. Things that trigger this awareness are universal, I think, things like friends moving away, moving into a new house, going away for college, preparing to graduate from college, breaking your record in regards to your relationships and how long they do or don’t last….

18. What do you need to spend more time doing? I don’t like the phrases “you need to” or “you should” because I don’t like forcing things nor do I like obligations, but for my own good, I could pay more attention to managing my finances and budgeting (this includes actually paying my hospital bills…), I could actually start going to class regularly, and I could be spending far more time on my homework, on my weekly papers, on reading up about politics and the arts, etc……I need to read more, I need to watch more films, what are you trying to say!

19. What issues do you continuously refuse to confront?  Financial issues. I stick my head in the sand when it comes to that……..

20. What is that a lot of people do that you disagree with? Oh, good question. Anyone who knows me knows I’m always down for an opportunity to get preachy and moralistic 🙂 You know, the above meme sort of sums it up for me. People expect things. They expect things from other people, and more often than not, those expectations are completely unrealistic. It isn’t fair to the person acting as the “object” of one’s expectation, and it isn’t fair to the person expecting something. Shakespeare was right, it does lead to heartbreak, but it also leads to profound disappointment, conflict, tension, guilt, shame, and all sorts of negative emotions. The only thing I personally expect from any of my friends is that they are loving, supportive, and accepting of my individuality. And if it ever gets to a point where they can no longer fulfill any of those “expectations” honestly, I expect that they will walk out of my life in a mature, “let’s just live and let live” type of manner.

That’s all for today. I’m going to look at apartments today! Very excited. In fact, I’m going to be late in meeting my friend because I was doing this instead…One day I’m going to learn to be on time to things.

Remember to reconstruct (MIMM?)

Remember, remember, the fifth of November….

I wonder how many of today’s blog posts open with this old poem? On past November 5ths? In past articles, editorials, and asides? Past conversations? I know for certain that on November 5, 2010, this poem sparked a conversation.

Oh, Brandon & the old MPC crew. How it’s changed. How it hasn’t. The youthful, innovative if not always pungent or pleasing energies of B, Br, and S are long gone. Like I say, they were not always the most inviting or constructive of humans (Br in particular) but they sure were (are) great minds full of creative insights and tail spins.

Speaking of great minds, I have one of those, too. Why can’t I let myself believe this? Why can’t I tap into it? Because I can’t believe it. I cannot create until I can believe.

What types of work do I aim to create?

What do I want in general?

Seriously. What types of humans do I wish to attract into my life? How can I embody like traits? 

D&M had “nothing but good things to say about me” and I guess impressions matter.

G says I’m “at the level”, A, he sees it, too. R saw it, C has always seen it, and my professors see it, though they say I’m inconsistent.

Stop. These are all men. Why should my worth be so dictated by men and what they do or do not see in me?

Danny once told me that “Children are meant to be seen and not heard.” I didn’t like that. I didn’t like that at all.

Which women have seen my worth? Did it affect me? In my younger days, it did. Ms. Justice. Ms. Huntly. Ms Tompkin. Mrs. Prock. I’m noticing that women were the prominent shapers of my self-perceptions and confidence levels while growing up. Now that I’m (supposed to be) grown up, I’m realizing it derives more and more every day from how I can (or cannot) relate to men.

Sharon Cumberland saw my worth and told me, “You have a great mind.” But women keep their distance. Or do they? I don’t think I have much trust for women. I have a few female friends in this city toward whom I feel trust and comfort, and maybe a few more scattered throughout the country, but other than that, when it comes to women, I am quite cold if not closed off entirely. Actually, I’m like that toward most humans in general, regardless of their parts, but it’s especially bad with women, because with men, I can at least flirt with them and I hate to admit that out loud and on this blog but it’s true and I shouldn’t deny it.

Gender dynamics and alarming anti-feminist implications aside, back to my developmental exercises.

What is the crowd of humans of which I wish to be apart?

Which humans make it up? 

Who are these people, I mean to say, and what defines them?

People are multi-faceted. I know how to relate to people on a personal level, but I want to be a part of something that is bigger than that. Feelings are important and I value all of my relationships but the world is bigger than the sum of its individuals and my being is bigger than the sum of my feelings and how can I harness my energy and be a part of this bigger thing?

What do I wish to be a part of? I’m doing it again. I’m talking in circles.

I dread even attempting answers at these questions because I don’t wish to put more stress on myself but let’s list some common sense answers (trite as those feel.)

I can work toward:

  • Watching and knowing more films, reading and knowing more literary works, experiencing and knowing more local displays of art, reading and knowing more history
  • Volunteering at more non-profits (and committing…)
  • Keep up with current events and have my own opinion
  • Be interested in other people’s work
  • Be interested and aware. Period.
  • Ask questions

Be interested.

I’m “at the level”, that was never a concern. But I lack the substance to back it. The mold, the concrete, the fudgy insides, call it what you want.

What is substance? Knowledge? Boldly stated opinions? One’s ability to face adversity? Concrete understanding. Rich understanding. Understanding through all of your faculties (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual.)

I wish to be attentive, aware, and articulate all of the times about all of the art forms.

Only then can I truly begin my own creative process. And once that happens, we arrive at more questions….

What type of art do I wish to create? 

Am I an artist? Can I even claim that label?

I have a voice, surely. I have presence, absolutely. But is that enough?

Assuming that it is, how do I constructively harness it?

What do I wish to make?

What am I trying to say? 

Is what I wish to say even relevant?

Do politicians actually  believe the statements they make? I find it hard to believe that Mitt Romney truly disbelieves in the concept of global warming. 

What am I trying to say?

What do I believe? 

That’s what I did during my 9:40 class. I would apologize for my lack of attention but I’m sick of being conscientious. A friend of mine told me that I was rather conscientious. I already knew this, of course, because I’m conscientious. And he told me that it’s not necessarily a good thing. Not to say he was trying to criticize, but he told me he thinks it’s a direct result of someone with an unpredictable parent. Which makes sense, in a way. With an unpredictable parent(s) or environment, you’re forced to be perpetually at the ready and able to act accordingly.

These are my thoughts and this is a process and I don’t know where that leaves me but I can feel myself changing and I can feel myself growing and the sadness I felt seems to be making its rounds amongst my friends and I hope they’re okay I wish I could just hold and comfort and love, love love all of them but I don’t have the time and neither do they and I’m not sure how to feel about that but we’re all going to be okay.

Question of the day: Any developing artists reading this, or developing humans in general, I invite you to answer any or all of the questions asked above! I’d love to hear your perspective on things, as well as get a feel for your own current state of development.

halloween stories (zombie palaces)

Happy Halloween. I have a lovely 12-hour day ahead of me tomorrow, and an early wake-up call on Thursday. That said, I’m sure my Halloween will be filled with enough thrills.

I wrote this essay a while back, for my non-fiction writing class, about zombies & childhood demons. I hit an emotional wall that I didn’t actually end up quite leaping over but if you’re interested, it sure feels fitting for the theme of the day.

Zombies Here 

Question of the day: Tell me about the metamorphoses of your Halloween costume? Not really a question, but I’m interested. 

I know personally, I always come up with a brilliant idea around July, or August, or so. Sometimes, it’s earlier than that. I always tell myself I’m going to start sewing / constructing / collecting parts for said costume idea ASAP, and look like a rockstar on Halloween night. Those plans….hardly ever actually pan out, and I usually end up copping out, and just throwing something together from my closet. That said, I’d be interested to know how you personally handle Halloween costumes.

Lesley Gore PSA & VOTING season

This video made me tear the first time I watched it and I legit bawled when I watched it again this morning.

My good friend Olivia wrote this when she shared the video on FaceBook:

“Having a child is NOT a decision to be taken lightly. It changes the entire trajectory of a person’s life. Some women cannot support a child, some women are unfit to raise children, some simply do not wish to have them, and some are not ready for that lifestyle. Whatever YOUR decision would be if you became pregnant should not interfere with MY right to choose whether or not to carry a pregnancy to term. I’m Pro-Choice. I believe in women’s rights to choose, for the sake of the women, and the unborn. Parenthood need not always be planned, but it should ALWAYS be VOLUNTARY. I may be a single-issue voter, but when that issue has the potential to dramatically alter the lives of all American women, it’s an issue worth ALL of my concern. Keep abortion safe and legal.”

Well said, well said indeed. Pregnancy & child bearing have both been on my mind lately, especially since one of my best friends from high school just had her first child. Might I add that, regardless of your stance on this issue, the world is far too overpopulated. Resources are far too scarce. People in the Middle East are still fighting over water. Water.

I’m going to keep it at that for now, because I don’t want to say anything I’ll regret. Not trying to start anything.

Anyway, not that you need telling, but it’s important to get out and VOTE. I know Election Season grows tiresome, I’m certainly not a fan of it. Filling out my absentee ballot was the worst damned headache of my life, and I don’t even get headaches. Ever. But I did it! And so can you. Now, go! Continue reading

Marvelous In My Monday (#1)

Aside

I know I’ve been post crazy, but today felt like a good day to post my first “MIMM” post. Wow, what a strange acronym.

Anyway, trying to keep this short and sweet, some good news: I got my cholesterol results back. My counts are perfectly healthy. Honestly, when I was a junior in high school, I was at the height of my compulsive over eating, my binging, even purging. I was also running track and doing cocaine (yeah, I was a mess), and I had “high triglycerides.” I’m pretty sure this was due to the amount of peanut butter I was eating, I had NO concept whatsoever of portion control back in those days.

Anyway, glad to know my new found knowledge and lifestyle changes have paid off! One healthy human right here. I’m not even anemic, like I feared I might be!

Moving on. I could post about what I did this weekend, but my life is not wildly interesting, and I don’t like living in the past, anyway. I’ll talk about a milestone reached today instead. Eating lunch, solo, in a room full of your peers. I’ve always been comfortable doing things on my own, more often than not, I even prefer it that way. I’ve never had a problem going to see films alone, I’ve eaten alone at restaurants, I’ve gone into bars alone. One exception to my usual unwavering sense of independence has always been eating lunch in school cafeterias. Since middle school, I’ve suffered through the worst sorts of company, all in an effort not to be seen eating “alone”, God forbid. This wasn’t an issue in high school, as I was lucky enough to make friends who were “my types of people” there, but the issue rose from the ashes when I arrived at college. And the cycle of “fake friends” repeated itself. If I wasn’t trudging through a painfully boring conversation with someone who simply was not like me at all, I was speed walking with my plate, head down, desperately hoping not to be sighted on my way up to dine alone in my room. Today, I realized things are different. I wasn’t planning on eating lunch in the cafeteria (for aesthetics’ sake alone), but I found myself there, and it was fine. I heated up my lentils mash up, I sat down, and I ate, casually reading over my lines while doing so and not giving a hoot or a wink about it.

Anyway, I’m failing at articulating it but the whole experience was rather empowering.

Question of the day: Have you ever dined alone? Or perhaps watched a film (in theaters?) Gone to a concert, maybe? What are your thoughts on being alone in public? 

What the heck, let’s talk about the weekend. I’ll page break just because it can’t be that interesting but I feel like prolonging my procrastination.  Continue reading

10-6-09

“Things that make me genuinely happy”
1. looking at the moon
2. waking up after a good night’s slumber
3. watching a leaf make its subtle descent from tree to earth
4. a patch of tiny, dainty daisies in the brilliant emerald grass
5. opening my mail box to find a friendly greeting from an old friend, family member, or lover
6. the twilit desert in the middle of now where Nevada
7. a good mix CD from someone I admire
8. nature — walking solo through this beautiful garden of life
9. seeing a dog splash about in the fountain, its owner’s affectionate eye upon it
10. curling up, in the sun, with a good book

As the date caveat implies, this was written a smidgeon over three years ago. What a lost, lonely, and confused girl I was. Still am, really. I suppose I should find it comforting, how scant the modifications to this list would be, were I asked to compile a new one right now.
No, I suppose that is comforting, though my initial instinct was to deem it “frightening.”
Consistency is a good thing. I must remember this.
What’s scary is, how radically different the palate of faces & smells & tactile experiences, of places & songs, names & ideas, triggered by this list, is from the palate that not only would trigger from but actually inspired this list as it stands.
Life is about connecting with people. I’ve always thought this. So why is it that the humans I hold so close, are ever only in my life for what feels like no amount of time? Granted, there are a few (a handful, if that) with whom, despite differences in space & time, I can still consider myself intimate. Even so, I can’t believe it’s been three years. Three years, 12 seasons, nine quarters, twenty-seven classes, a few numbers less than that in professors, I don’t know what I’m supposed to remember from all of this and what I’m supposed to have forgotten, my childhood demons seemed so real and inhibiting when I first migrated to this city, they seem like long forgotten dreams to me now, if that, I’ve done such a good job at repressing all of it, repressing after a year of lamenting, all I ever really wanted to do was relate to someone, connect to someone, I’m always so oblivious and never figure anything out till it’s three years too late, the past feels like it never happened, and that feels like a good thing, though I can’t bring myself to believe that it actually is, this blog makes no sense, it has no focus, I have no focus, I’ve always hated blogs that’s why I’m always deleting them, journaling is much better, I’m not attention seeking if I’m journaling but hey, that’s attention seeking in itself, why a leather bound journal, one asks, rather than a spiral bound notebook? public privacy that’s all anything is anymore connecting through announcing, building bonds through showmanship
it’s all pathetic really and I’m really not that depressed, I don’t think I am at least, just numb, I feel slightly numb, whenever I start living my life too healthfully this happens, I drink to be more manic and I smoke to self-destruct and lately I do neither of those things not really and I can barely hold a conversation and I’m in such a hurry to get from point A to point B, if I’m not ravenously hungry and thinking about dinner, I’m cold or tired and thinking about hot cocoa, and I still haven’t written anything of consequence and I love this time of year, kicking leaves is a favorite pass time, but I can’t stand the way this time of year makes me feel and that’s a fact.
why can’t I go home for Thanksgiving? What is Thanksgiving? What is home? Family? all of these things make no sense to me and maybe that’s why marriage has been so painfully on my mind. wow I just said that out loud & have a good night

friday rant session

For everyone who is interested, because so many of you apparently are: I don’t believe in labeling myself so far as my lifestyle, i.e. eating or exercise habits,  are concerned.

I don’t eat meat, and haven’t since the age of 16, but in recent years, I’ve started eating fish occasionally. Most recently, I’ve decided to abstain from eggs and dairy products. If you must label me, I guess that makes me “pescetarian with vegan tendencies.”

Why do I live this way, you ask? Am I following a trend? On my high horse about being environmentally conscious? God forbid, I’m not trying to lose weight, am I?????

You know, this may shock you, but I eat the foods that I eat, and don’t eat the foods that I don’t, because I like my plant-based diet.  It makes me feel good. 

Sorry for the “ranty” tone of this post, but this is really getting to me. And don’t get me wrong– I’m all for discussing nutrition, alternative lifestyles, cooking, and food in general. If you know me, you know this. Some things I am NOT for, are your subversive criticisms, judgments, or “tests” so far as my diet and exercise habits are concerned. They are NOT subtle, and I see right through your “casual inquiries.”

With the exception of one of my house mates whose food I have commented negatively upon (sorry, Ryan…), I don’t stand there telling you about all of the disgusting ingredients to be found in your nasty frozen dinner. Nor do I give you my “humans are the only animals who drink milk not only as fully developed adults, but who drink the milk of other animals” lecture upon your telling me you just ate a whole (gallon!) carton of ice cream.

I don’t question your eating habits, and I would appreciate it if you would please refrain from questioning mine, thank you.

I choose oat brans, nut butters, fish, lentils, quinoa, fruits, and all of the delicious, yummy greens (kale, chard, broccoli, spinach, etc.) as my staples NOT because it’s “hipster” (what does that word even mean?), NOT because I’m actively trying to lose weight, NOT because I’m a snobby bitch whose on her high horse and has a superiority/inferiority complex about being more environmentally savvy than you. I eat these types of food because I like the way they taste and they make me feel good.

I ride my bike, take long walks, and try to incorporate as much Pilates into my daily routines as possible, NOT because I’m a compulsive exerciser trying to burn off every calorie I consume, NOT because I’m vain and image obsessed, NOT because I want attention. I do these things because they’re fun and they make me feel good. Not to mention, I want a strong core so that I can bust awesome dance moves like this guy. I’m not kidding.

Am I environmentally conscious? Absolutely. Agricultural waste is THE number one source of pollution in the United States, and animal waste, unlike human municipal waste, goes completely untreated. That is pretty nasty.

Am I health conscious? Absolutely! After having suffered through basically every eating disorder that’s out there (most overwhelmingly, binge-eating but I’ve gone through my fair share of hellish restricting, binging, and purging) and watching my closest friends suffer from the same, I’M SICK OF IT and am desperate for recovery. I want a healthy relationship with food, and I want my friends to have the same. Not to mention, I’m quite the temperamental individual! The healthier the lifestyle I can maintain physically, the better off I am in my other faculties (mentally, spiritually, and emotionally!) Do I think I’m better than you because I don’t eat animals (okay, besides fish) and you do? NO. 

Honestly, a carnivorous diet stemming from locally farmed animals is FAR more environmentally savvy than a vegetarian one stemming from cheap carbs bought at grocery outlets. I’m the first one to admit that “vegan” or “vegetarian” does NOT equate “healthy!”

Honestly, people should eat the foods that they want to eat, and not eat the foods that they don’t want to eat. At what point did things lose this degree of simplicity?

If it isn’t okay for me to criticize your food, why is it okay for you to tell me my oat parfaits look like “baby food?”

If it isn’t okay for me to ask you why you eat meat when so much waste is due to agriculture, why is it okay for you to ask me “where I get my protein?”

Seriously. Eat your damn cake, and don’t ask me about my vegan one. Unless you’re genuinely interested. Than by all means, ask away.

But honestly, if you’re not genuinely interested, please follow that golden rule. Because your comments are triggering, and they’re not helping me stay healthy, and if you’re being honest with yourself, you know they’re not helping you stay healthy, either. So you eat your cake over there, I’ll eat my cake over here, and we can be friends for ever and ever and ever.

end rant.

questions/food for thought:


Have you ever been the target for food or eating-related bullying? Sounds extreme, but to me, such comments and questions regarding my eating or exercising habits, really feel like bullying. Thoughts?

Have you ever made a negative remark (i.e. bullied) concerning someone else’s food or exercise choices? How might you treat that situation differently, if you could go back to that conversation and do it over?