SOC02182013

Aside

On sitting in a stick structure building a stick structure:

you’re creating, I’m destroying. or maybe, I’m merely changing as I scrape my fingernails along the dampening wood. if they can even be called fingernails.

listening.

directness.

skipping down valleys and leaping over into new ones at will.

next.

fail.

this isn’t going anywhere.

cool story.

and that’s the end of that.

on point of view. what does that say?

because subconscious art: I am a warrior princess.

L u c k

NRE

on meeting your match

on matchsticks falling

the game.

losing.

I always lose.

would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?

would you rather be happy, or does your pride matter that much?

happiness. what is that?

neutrality is stability.

B O U N D A R I E S

“you’re creepy with the energy thing.”

I wish you could take a hint.

that isn’t fair, but it’s true and I’m sorry

better out, than in.

when in doubt, algebra. a neutral analogy and it gets one’s point across.

all other times, creative analogies. they’re probably mostly terrible but why eat a bowl of cereal when you can jazz it up with cinnamon, almond butter, and chia seeds?

on full meals rather than empty.

because x when I meant o. screw that, I meant 5. high five. five. cinq.

and we can be friends so long as I foreground your subtext

(bs)

I’m going to be productive today, and I might have a concussion but I might also just be depressed or something. I’m sick of being so tired.

get it.

Aside

There’s something omni-potent about blogging that seems to set patterns in motion. I’m not sure if it’s the private/public domain of expressing yourself publicly while knowing the “public” is so convoluted only the most irrelevant articles get passed around on one’s Facebook feed. Maybe, it’s the “I’m paying attention but only insofar as I hope you might, in kind, be paying attention” quasi-stalker mentality. Perhaps, it’s the “thoughts are energy” and you attract what you put out there new-age schtick. Whatever. I’m not trying to ignite a rant here, I hope you get my point.

All I’m saying is, when I blog about things, they tend to actually happen to me in my real life. As an example, I started a blog when I was 18. A  young lass freshly thrown into university life, I was bitter, lonely, misunderstood, and drivel. I started blogging about the musings of an alter ego that existed in my mind. I think I called her Patysse. I knew a girl named Patisse when I was taking acting and modeling lessons, and I took a shine to this girl Patisse. When I created the blog, I added a “Y” in keeping with the crazy Hanson tradition and I brainstormed adventures that I would go on were I actually this woman Patysse. I don’t think I blogged about her for longer than one post, one irrelevant, cliche post at that, but here I am, a few years later, and I’m no longer that docile doormat wishing she were brave enough to claim herself some excitement. Audacity is no longer an issue for me. Balance and health and being “good” is, but that’s another story.

I also taught myself how to be an intuitive eater through a couple-month long process of blogging, food blogging specifically. It wasn’t original but it was beneficial. Is there a virtue in being original?

Anyway, long story short, some things I want to start incorporating into my routine:

1. writing. daily. short story writing, short film brainstorming, poem writing, character describing, WHATEVER, get your ass writing. and no, blog writing doesn’t entirely count, nor does essay writing. well, maybe some essay writing.

2. GET. A. JOB. waitressing, hosting, temping, whatever. You’re going to PARIS in a few months, you’re going to need some money.

3. figure out my Parisian wardrobe. I tend to be adaptable, and while I’m no chameleon, some of my Seattle do ups probably won’t cut it in Paris.

4. write. make stuff. be. productive.

SOC101022013

Aside

because photobucket

on wasting time

because facebook

on myspace top 8s

because dinner

because romance.

on friendship

and romance?

because friendship ll romance.

because family.

I’m wasting time.

on self-absorption

and over-eating

because balance

on treadmills

(because listening to music)

on drowning out the world

because listening.

on drowning

and suicide

on violente romances

because fantasy.

disconnectivity

connectivity

because chemistry

biology is destiny (?)

I’d have your babies were I desiring of the things.

on motherhood

because (she loves her cat more)

on ice and fire

apples and oranges

sneakers and slippers

on body positivity.

apples are as beautiful as grapefruits

I’d still rather eat a grapefruit.

I can eat a grapefruit every day.

(apples are only occasional)

because blogging

and writing

and time

and waste

on the news

gay marriage

trans identity

identity

growing up

pockets. [pockets[pockets] pockets]

because pockets.

Valezquez, what about him?

on color filters

and bourgeois critiques

“it isn’t a film, it’s an attempt at cinema”

okay.

okay.

okay.

because Paris

on money

(with) out

because Paris

for Paris

to Paris

from Paris

“audacity isn’t a virtue”

(duplicity isn’t a virtue)

duplicity is a profession

audacity is a transgression

your desire may not be duplicitous but your role models aren’t perfect

and I like transgressions.

because judeophilia

because francophilia

because you don’t care

because you smell (to me)

because okay.

because you’re outta time.

on ephemerality

and ethereality

because I love you.

because love.

because friendship,

because romance,

because it feels good.

because I don’t care

on resistance

because I’m resistant.

because we want the same things.

because with(out), because (with) in

because I’m arguing with myself.

you won’t win, you just won’t

it isn’t about winning.

she whispered.

Survey Part II :)

Getting a little bit post crazy again, and a little self-indulgent maybe, but my creativity has been dry lately and since I have about 3 papers to pump out by tomorrow…..one of them being an “instant expert” paper…I give you more of that “What is normal, anyways?” survey!

11. Who makes you feel good about yourself? I am super lucky to have an amazing support system full of beautiful, creative, and intelligent people who make me feel like a princess. It’s a small support system, but it’s a strong support system, and I’ll say it again, I am very lucky. As for specifics, these people include friends from high school who are scattered about the country but still important and very much integrated into my life, friends and lovers that I know in this city, and my sister.

12. What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend? Good question. I don’t “look” for anything necessarily, but I am quite picky when it comes to choosing friends. From an outsider’s perspective, it probably doesn’t make very much sense at all. Common threads my favorite people all seem to share (despite being so radically different from one another) are intuition, emotional intelligence, radical acceptance, independence, an interest in the arts, spontaneity, passion, a profound ability to “face adversity” <– hate that phrase but let’s just use it because it gets the point across. I could list more but that’s a strong enough base, I think.

13. What has the fear of failure stopped you from doing?Weird question — are you referring to at this point in my life now? Or in the past? In the past, fear of failure has stopped me from joining clubs, volunteering at places, auditioning for things, applying for things….Lately, it’s stopping me from making more films and writing more.

14. What is something you’ve always wanted since you were a kid? To be on my own in an amazing city with beautiful, creative, and intelligent people as my friends and the  security to pursue the things I wish to pursue. Sounds general, but I’m so ever changing that it almost has to be.

15. What stands between you and what you want? Money, core credits that I need to fulfill, time, guilt and obligations in regards to my family….those things 🙂 Hey, at least most of these are issues that will figure themselves out 🙂

16. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy? Sit in bed and listen to music. Drink hot cocoa. Watch a movie. Go for a long walk. Actually, going for a long walk does wonders for me. When I’m down, it’s very difficult for me to force myself out of it, so I usually just try to ride it out like I would were I to come down with a cold, or sprain my wrist, or something.

17. When did you first realize that life is short? Is this a question? It’s something I’ve always been aware of, but it’s also something that I’m never quite moved by until a significant amount of time goes by between one point in my life and another. It happens in that epiphonal moment where I realize how radically different my life is from my life at a specific point in time. Things that trigger this awareness are universal, I think, things like friends moving away, moving into a new house, going away for college, preparing to graduate from college, breaking your record in regards to your relationships and how long they do or don’t last….

18. What do you need to spend more time doing? I don’t like the phrases “you need to” or “you should” because I don’t like forcing things nor do I like obligations, but for my own good, I could pay more attention to managing my finances and budgeting (this includes actually paying my hospital bills…), I could actually start going to class regularly, and I could be spending far more time on my homework, on my weekly papers, on reading up about politics and the arts, etc……I need to read more, I need to watch more films, what are you trying to say!

19. What issues do you continuously refuse to confront?  Financial issues. I stick my head in the sand when it comes to that……..

20. What is that a lot of people do that you disagree with? Oh, good question. Anyone who knows me knows I’m always down for an opportunity to get preachy and moralistic 🙂 You know, the above meme sort of sums it up for me. People expect things. They expect things from other people, and more often than not, those expectations are completely unrealistic. It isn’t fair to the person acting as the “object” of one’s expectation, and it isn’t fair to the person expecting something. Shakespeare was right, it does lead to heartbreak, but it also leads to profound disappointment, conflict, tension, guilt, shame, and all sorts of negative emotions. The only thing I personally expect from any of my friends is that they are loving, supportive, and accepting of my individuality. And if it ever gets to a point where they can no longer fulfill any of those “expectations” honestly, I expect that they will walk out of my life in a mature, “let’s just live and let live” type of manner.

That’s all for today. I’m going to look at apartments today! Very excited. In fact, I’m going to be late in meeting my friend because I was doing this instead…One day I’m going to learn to be on time to things.

Silly Saturday because I can’t think of a better acronym.

Yesterday, in my body image / eating concerns group we discussed …. body image, believe it or not. We discussed the media, the problems with the BMI system, the non-existence of most “women” seen in advertisements, etc. We watched some videos from the Dove Campaign and we listed out the traits we associate with “super models” and the life qualities they seem to embody through advertisement. Through these lists, we were able to illuminate the false correlation between being “model esque” and happy, successful, loved, etc. Not to mention, the (lack of) relevance being intelligent, creative, kind-hearted, or productive seems to have on the lives of these so-called “perfect” women. There were four of us present today, five including our therapist, and it was raw, it was rough, it was rewarding.

I don’t really feel like going over it, honestly. While I’ve been working really hard at keeping my own behaviors under control, I have good days, I have bad days, I have days where I’m not concerned about it at all….Lately, my body image seems stuck in the simply “alright” category, paired with much hounding over how little of my time I’ve been devoting to exercising. I was doing an hour of Pilates four-five days a week just last month. Now I run twice a week, on a good week.

That isn’t even the point. Honestly, I’ve been self-conscious not necessarily about my looks (though, more and more every day I try to minimize the amount of times I have to look into a mirror), I haven’t stepped on the scale in weeks (I’m afraid to, and there isn’t much point, anyway.) Instead, I’ve been concerned with my so-called “eccentric” personality and habits. I don’t think I’m an ill-mannered person, I think I have some degree of social awareness, but there are days when I feel judged by persons making up my surroundings, not only on campus but in the greater Seattle area….A friend told me the other day that he “would have gotten bored of me weeks ago, except for the fact that nothing I do is normal.” Sometimes, I really do feel like I’m from a different planet, and that should be and is a good thing, I must believe that, but it can’t be a great thing until I learn to not only embrace it but harness it for good and creative ends as well.

Now, I know virtually everyone is absurd in their own way, we’re all unique, and defining “normal” is as futile a task as intelligent discussion with Todd Akin probably is. I don’t mean this to be a pity party, but living in this city is just such a weird thing for me, still. I I feel like I still have much of the Las Vegas lingo ingrained into my personality and my shoes are falling apart, yet I go to Seattle University and have a 3.8 GPA.  I drink my water out of a mason jar and shop at the central coop yet I can’t sing along to every Nirvana song that’s ever been written, nor could I tell you the first thing about the latest musical trends as seen on Pitchfork. I hang out at the Northwest Film Forum yet I’ve never seen The Godfather all the way through, and I have a talent for all things writing yet only learned to pronounce the word “succumb” about a year ago.

I know everyone struggles with these day to day nuances of fitting in yet maintaining individuality and keeping up yet honestly assessing one’s own interests, strengths and weaknesses. I get it, these things are not unique to me and yet …. I’m so radically honest, I don’t want to play “the game”, I’m painfully self-aware and independent to the point where I not only isolate myself too much but refuse to keep up with trends for the sake of impressing you in conversation. At the same time, I have a profound need to outdo you in conversation. I can’t relate to my peers, yet I’m too young for the older crowd because apparently, people from the older crowd don’t even expect me to know Fleetwood Mac.

Sometimes, I just feel like I can’t win and that I might actually sprout wings, horns, or turn green, or something. I’ve been bullied for being “weird” since elementary school, and maybe I should just accept that that isn’t really something that just stops, no matter how “mature” or “old” or “enlightened” the rest of the world supposedly grows. Not to mention, I’m an individual, right? I give zero hoots what other people think, right? I’m friends with fascinating, dynamic, and ethereal individuals who love me simply because I’m such a nutter, yet that isn’t always enough and I still can’t quite figure out how it all makes sense … being so unconcerned with what other people think on the one hand; being so painfully upset by the slightest instance of rejection or even off-putting behavior directed your way on the other. Even when said behaviors come from people you neither admire nor even respect! In some (many) cases.

Some self-love seems to be in order, before this little “I’m too strange for the world” crisis of mine spirals out of my control. I really am trying to come to terms with all things “Dalyce.” I took this from Madison (Eating 4 Balance) and really appreciated most of the media she included, so I’ve preserved that as well. Madison, if you ever read this, I hope you don’t mind!

What is normal anyways?

1. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago? I can engage in a conversation that begins with my least favorite question, “What do you do?” Sounds elementary, but I used to abhor this question (still do in a lot of ways, but I’m learning to embrace it as a part of reality.) Not only that, but though it’s still a struggle, I can even participate in this conversation without self-deprecating, and I’m on my way to figuring out how I can do this without revealing too many negatives about my past and up-bringing.

2. What has been on your mind most lately? Europe. Nebraska. Politics. Individuality. Romance. Writing. Possibility. How people connect. How people don’t connect. How I’m probably from Titan. How I’m not actually. How I’m restless and dreamy as ever and lately, and how I want to be anywhere but here.

3. Right now, at this moment, what do you want most? To be finished with school, to be a paid and valued copy editor on some book / website / blog / newsletter related to the arts, to live in a more ideally located apartment with my best friend, to know how to speak French, to move to Europe, etc. etc. etc.

4. In order of importance, how would you rank: happiness, money, love, health, fame?Health, love, happiness, money, fame. If that feels like a strange order, here’s my reasoning: There is no happiness without love, and no love without health. Money is, unfortunately, often required for health, but it is not a good thing in and of itself, and fame would just stress me the fuck out.

5. What word best describes how you’ve spent the last month of your life? Avoiding. <– going to keep Madison’s answer, unfortunately this is true for me, too.

6. What is the number one motivator in your life right now? Knowing that I have love and support in my life, and that while I may go through elongated struggles, I’m going to graduate soon, I’m going to find a fulfilling job, I’m going to be able to travel, I’m going to learn to harness my creativity and make documentary films and I will get healthy and fit and run marathons and climb mountains and everything’s going to be okay.

7. In one sentence, who are you? I am Dalyce — radically honest, profoundly independent, painfully self-aware, deeply but secretly loving, frustratingly inconsistent, and incomparably passionate though only in waves.

8. What do you want to be known for? Being real, being wise, being understanding.

9. If you had to move 300 miles away, what would you miss the most? Everything about this city is breath-taking and amazing to me, so I would miss the city itself. Other than that, there are definitely one to two humans from whom I really don’t wish to part…..

10. In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different? If you know me at all, you know I resent the thought of projecting or expecting anything about the future, the future to me meaning what I may or may not be eating for dinner this evening. So, keeping true to that but while attempting to remain hopeful and optimistic, let’s say I’ll live in a more ideal situation, I’ll be more fit, I’ll have a healthier relationship with my self and with food, I’ll be a better cook, and I’ll be writing / copy-editing consistently.

Okay, I think that’s all for now. This survey is considerably longer, and I’ll probably fill out the rest at some point because it’s important that I maintain constantly that sense of who I am, what I think, what I want, where I’ve come from, where I intend to go, etc. etc. and while some of these questions may or may not feel generic, they’re exercises and it helps. Off for a run and a mini trip to the grocery store, have a great day. I leave you with one of my favorite songs, though do note it’s not my favorite performance of the thing. 

Remember to reconstruct (MIMM?)

Remember, remember, the fifth of November….

I wonder how many of today’s blog posts open with this old poem? On past November 5ths? In past articles, editorials, and asides? Past conversations? I know for certain that on November 5, 2010, this poem sparked a conversation.

Oh, Brandon & the old MPC crew. How it’s changed. How it hasn’t. The youthful, innovative if not always pungent or pleasing energies of B, Br, and S are long gone. Like I say, they were not always the most inviting or constructive of humans (Br in particular) but they sure were (are) great minds full of creative insights and tail spins.

Speaking of great minds, I have one of those, too. Why can’t I let myself believe this? Why can’t I tap into it? Because I can’t believe it. I cannot create until I can believe.

What types of work do I aim to create?

What do I want in general?

Seriously. What types of humans do I wish to attract into my life? How can I embody like traits? 

D&M had “nothing but good things to say about me” and I guess impressions matter.

G says I’m “at the level”, A, he sees it, too. R saw it, C has always seen it, and my professors see it, though they say I’m inconsistent.

Stop. These are all men. Why should my worth be so dictated by men and what they do or do not see in me?

Danny once told me that “Children are meant to be seen and not heard.” I didn’t like that. I didn’t like that at all.

Which women have seen my worth? Did it affect me? In my younger days, it did. Ms. Justice. Ms. Huntly. Ms Tompkin. Mrs. Prock. I’m noticing that women were the prominent shapers of my self-perceptions and confidence levels while growing up. Now that I’m (supposed to be) grown up, I’m realizing it derives more and more every day from how I can (or cannot) relate to men.

Sharon Cumberland saw my worth and told me, “You have a great mind.” But women keep their distance. Or do they? I don’t think I have much trust for women. I have a few female friends in this city toward whom I feel trust and comfort, and maybe a few more scattered throughout the country, but other than that, when it comes to women, I am quite cold if not closed off entirely. Actually, I’m like that toward most humans in general, regardless of their parts, but it’s especially bad with women, because with men, I can at least flirt with them and I hate to admit that out loud and on this blog but it’s true and I shouldn’t deny it.

Gender dynamics and alarming anti-feminist implications aside, back to my developmental exercises.

What is the crowd of humans of which I wish to be apart?

Which humans make it up? 

Who are these people, I mean to say, and what defines them?

People are multi-faceted. I know how to relate to people on a personal level, but I want to be a part of something that is bigger than that. Feelings are important and I value all of my relationships but the world is bigger than the sum of its individuals and my being is bigger than the sum of my feelings and how can I harness my energy and be a part of this bigger thing?

What do I wish to be a part of? I’m doing it again. I’m talking in circles.

I dread even attempting answers at these questions because I don’t wish to put more stress on myself but let’s list some common sense answers (trite as those feel.)

I can work toward:

  • Watching and knowing more films, reading and knowing more literary works, experiencing and knowing more local displays of art, reading and knowing more history
  • Volunteering at more non-profits (and committing…)
  • Keep up with current events and have my own opinion
  • Be interested in other people’s work
  • Be interested and aware. Period.
  • Ask questions

Be interested.

I’m “at the level”, that was never a concern. But I lack the substance to back it. The mold, the concrete, the fudgy insides, call it what you want.

What is substance? Knowledge? Boldly stated opinions? One’s ability to face adversity? Concrete understanding. Rich understanding. Understanding through all of your faculties (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual.)

I wish to be attentive, aware, and articulate all of the times about all of the art forms.

Only then can I truly begin my own creative process. And once that happens, we arrive at more questions….

What type of art do I wish to create? 

Am I an artist? Can I even claim that label?

I have a voice, surely. I have presence, absolutely. But is that enough?

Assuming that it is, how do I constructively harness it?

What do I wish to make?

What am I trying to say? 

Is what I wish to say even relevant?

Do politicians actually  believe the statements they make? I find it hard to believe that Mitt Romney truly disbelieves in the concept of global warming. 

What am I trying to say?

What do I believe? 

That’s what I did during my 9:40 class. I would apologize for my lack of attention but I’m sick of being conscientious. A friend of mine told me that I was rather conscientious. I already knew this, of course, because I’m conscientious. And he told me that it’s not necessarily a good thing. Not to say he was trying to criticize, but he told me he thinks it’s a direct result of someone with an unpredictable parent. Which makes sense, in a way. With an unpredictable parent(s) or environment, you’re forced to be perpetually at the ready and able to act accordingly.

These are my thoughts and this is a process and I don’t know where that leaves me but I can feel myself changing and I can feel myself growing and the sadness I felt seems to be making its rounds amongst my friends and I hope they’re okay I wish I could just hold and comfort and love, love love all of them but I don’t have the time and neither do they and I’m not sure how to feel about that but we’re all going to be okay.

Question of the day: Any developing artists reading this, or developing humans in general, I invite you to answer any or all of the questions asked above! I’d love to hear your perspective on things, as well as get a feel for your own current state of development.