future

it’s getting to be that time where the magnitude of graduating university with zero plans really hits you over the head.

nostalgia kept me awake last night and for the first time in my entire life, moving back to Las Vegas sounded like a good idea. No rent, my sister or father could probably find me some job, and I could save up money until I had enough to move to New York.

Of course, I’d need a car. Or, to move close to wherever I worked so, I’d end up paying rent anyway. Even if I didn’t need to move closer– do I really want to live with my father in his bachelor pad? Sorry, but no. I could live with my sister but I wouldn’t want to impose, either. And if I did move back to Las Vegas, who’s to say I’d ever make it out alive? I have this theory that people who go “home” after university, don’t leave. THAT WILL NOT BE ME.

Maybe I can be a variation on James Joyce and leave Las Vegas, never go back, and write about nothing but for the rest of my life. There’s a thought.

Back up, anyway. It’s about to be April. I’m moving to Nebraska in June. I don’t really know what to expect there, either, but I know the cost of living is low so that’s nice. I’m expecting the worst though. What if my friend and I are not compatible roommates? Slow down. Nebraska will be just fine. It will either be tolerable, or it will be great, and then it’s back to Seattle in October or November, depending on how long I’d like to couch surf for and how much money I have saved up.

I’m going to Paris in November and dammit, I’m going to stay for 3 months if it kills me. Maybe two months. I read this article that claims I *can* live there on 15 dollars a day. That sounds like a stretch, and I’ll most definitely be pushing it, but I must see Paris, and I must not feel rushed. I must see Paris, and the south of France, and Amsterdam, and maybe Prague. Maybe Berlin, but those are the main ones.

So, June-February or so are pretty mapped out. What do I do after that? I need to actually get a job. Start thinking about my career. What career? Am I still pursuing filmmaking? Am I going to go back to being serious about writing? Playwriting? Maybe I’ll work for some non-profit?

Before I worry about my career, where the HELL am I flying into from Europe? Seattle? Omaha? Las Vegas? Phoenix? New Orleans? New York?

Ultimately, I know that I want to end up in New York City within the next year. Ultimately, I know that I want to visit my family within the next year. I really miss Las Vegas, but I don’t really actually want to go there for longer than like, two days. I really miss my grandparents and cousins and I could stay there for a bit longer than two days, but no more than two weeks, certainly. I want to move to New York City but I have no plans other than brute desire and vague dreams.

I need a plan. I need an answer. Usually, my intuition is a lot more generous than this. I guess I should just take things one day at a time. I haven’t even moved out yet, and that is most immediate.

I haven’t felt this uncertain, this terrified, in my entire life. My friends in Las Vegas think I’m so brave for moving to Seattle– it was nothing. University is safe. It’s cushy. It’s expensive, and I’ll grasp the magnitude of that soon enough, but the world supports you so long as you’re putting money into educating yourself. Being a student changes everything.

anyway, my heart is pounding

I’m terrified

I’m exhilarated

bring. it. on.

i’m resourceful, right?

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One thought on “future

  1. Pingback: Let Them Eat Poppy | Drenched in Dreams? Jump Oceans

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