I’ve been having some wild dreams lately, and some have been worth mention, if I could only justify allotting the time. That, and simply not having the proper environment…January can’t come soon enough.
Yesterday, I got a text message from a friend which I think was well-intentioned but managed to upset me at the core of my being anyway. I tried to rationalize it in my head, first by trying to accept the “compliment” I think he meant, and when that failed, writing it off as drunken sensitivity and figuring I would probably care less in the morning (and knowing that of course, I still would.) I don’t particularly like when this happens, because when the core of my being is upset by anything someone might say to me, I start to question my entire relationship with that person. If that sounds dramatic, it’s because it probably is, but my relationships are near and dear to me because I choose to engage and work toward developing so few, so it’s a two-way insult when someone upsets me– they’re not only upsetting me by speaking aloud their train of thought in question, but they’re insulting me, too, because by not living up to the standards to which I hold them and their character, they remind me that I must be a terrible judge of character after all, and how foolish have I been and —stop. Come back.
It’s hard to be my friend, and I know this, and this is part of why I try to subscribe to the whole “what other people think about you isn’t your business.” mode of living– someone’s company speaks volumes enough, so why bother going into specifics? I personally try to avoid specifics, but he gave me a specific and it upset the core of my being and now I don’t know what to think. Thank goodness for my dreams 🙂
I talk to myself in my dreams and I teach myself valuable life lessons. <– the log line for an experimental short, maybe, but also a truth I am proud to wear. In my dreams, I confronted the culprit (my friend) and he reacted exactly as I would expect him too, questioning why I was upset by that and what he meant was X but he’s sorry I took it that way and yatta yatta. He ended by telling me that he could say X about me and that he loved Y, as well, but that he didn’t want my confidence and security to have to come from him. What a beautiful truth! It is exactly what I would say to a friend in my own position and frame of mind, and apparently, it’s what I would say to myself, as well. Go sleep, go subconscious, go mind and spirit connectivity. If I could only enhance my mind-body connection..
Anyway, long story short, I’m still slightly upset with my friend and I may or may not be over it by the time I see him again, but either way, he is (or I am) right, no one is responsible for your confidence and sense of security but you and nothing anyone says or does is going to make any hoot of a difference until the thought pattern within transforms itself.
Onto Thanksgiving and the holidays:
Since I came to college, I haven’t had much taste. “Home” completely blew up in my face just after I left for college, I don’t need to go into more detail than that. A brief history of my past four Thanksgivings:
2009: I volunteered to feed the homeless at a shelter downtown. Honestly, I needed the hours to complete a service learning assignment, but I didn’t really have anywhere else to go, either. I could have spent it with my roommate’s family, but I wanted the room to myself for the weekend. I volunteered alongside a family, and I remember thinking it was neat that those parents were teaching their kids good service. I also started to wonder how the rest of Seattle proper felt about Seattle U students taking over Capitol Hill, and what assumptions people made about me when I told them who I was, where I was from, and what I was doing in Seattle.
2010: My friend JJ and I
cooked made a giant mess in the Chardin kitchen. I tried to make my mom’s old stuffing recipe, and I think it sort of panned out. I feel like stuffed celery was also involved. We definitely ended the night with my friend Megan’s mac and cheese recipe, a box of Kraft (ew) with sour cream, salsa, and Red Hot sauce mixed in. Sounds disgusting, because it is disgusting. Apparently, this was the first time my friend had broken vegan in over a year. Oops. Sorry. So glad I don’t eat processed food like that anymore 🙂
2011: Last year we had a beautiful vegan Thanksgiving. We started the day with Mimosas (thanks to Marci) and throughout the day, ate a beautiful vegan parfait, a tofu scramble (both more thanks to Marci) and stuffing provided by me. The stuffing was a success this year! Mushrooms, celery, water chestnuts…never fails 🙂 I made more stuffed celery, and I know my other roommates cooked up some things as well, but I don’t remember…I ended up inviting my co-worker and his buddy over, since they lived down the street and had no where to go. We for some unknown reason decided to shot gun a bunch of beers, and I ended up getting wasted and making some interesting decisions. Overall, one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had. Here’s a picture to prove it 🙂
Together, mom and I made Green Bean Casserole, she put a spahgetti squash in the oven, she mashed up some potatoes, and we made our usual stuffing, which was only okay this time around. We talked in depth about the family history while cooking, and the conversation was intense but interesting. Ryan brought down a pumpkin pie which had been mailed to him anonymously, and Sophie mashed up some sweet potatoes. Jenna made stuffed mushrooms and spanikopita (Spanish Coconut for those who can’t pronounce it.) By the time we were getting ready to sit down, I was so full from the snacking while cooking 🙂 We were just talking about past Thanksgivings and the fact that there are always traditional foods that everyone makes but no one actually likes, one of which was candied yams. Sophie’s friends arrived just in time, and what do you know, one of them proudly carried a platter of candied yams. Even she agreed that she never really liked them, just made them habitually. Someone else had some Green Bean Casserole, but mine was the one that got devoured throughout the evening, which was good for my cooking confidence, and Mom soon had to go home. She left on rather a dramatic note, which was upsetting. I took a nap for an hour (cooking is exhausting!) even though Sophie’s friends had just arrived, and when I went back downstairs, everyone was glued to their original positions at the table. I found this to be weird, but the conversation was lively enough, and four bottles of wine were being passed around. I joined the conversation, and the wine-drinking as well, and the night ended with dart throwing, hula hoop twirling, bicycles crashing, and the fire poker banging to the floor more than once.
Overall, it was a solid evening, and while I was upset about my mom, and my family in general, at that, I was able to enjoy myself, talk with people, and even make a potential video connection! I cooked more than one dish, and I cooked them well, and while our kitchen this morning makes me want to throw up, life’s gonna be alright 🙂