Remember, remember, the fifth of November….
I wonder how many of today’s blog posts open with this old poem? On past November 5ths? In past articles, editorials, and asides? Past conversations? I know for certain that on November 5, 2010, this poem sparked a conversation.
Oh, Brandon & the old MPC crew. How it’s changed. How it hasn’t. The youthful, innovative if not always pungent or pleasing energies of B, Br, and S are long gone. Like I say, they were not always the most inviting or constructive of humans (Br in particular) but they sure were (are) great minds full of creative insights and tail spins.
Speaking of great minds, I have one of those, too. Why can’t I let myself believe this? Why can’t I tap into it? Because I can’t believe it. I cannot create until I can believe.
What types of work do I aim to create?
What do I want in general?
Seriously. What types of humans do I wish to attract into my life? How can I embody like traits?
D&M had “nothing but good things to say about me” and I guess impressions matter.
G says I’m “at the level”, A, he sees it, too. R saw it, C has always seen it, and my professors see it, though they say I’m inconsistent.
Stop. These are all men. Why should my worth be so dictated by men and what they do or do not see in me?
Danny once told me that “Children are meant to be seen and not heard.” I didn’t like that. I didn’t like that at all.
Which women have seen my worth? Did it affect me? In my younger days, it did. Ms. Justice. Ms. Huntly. Ms Tompkin. Mrs. Prock. I’m noticing that women were the prominent shapers of my self-perceptions and confidence levels while growing up. Now that I’m (supposed to be) grown up, I’m realizing it derives more and more every day from how I can (or cannot) relate to men.
Sharon Cumberland saw my worth and told me, “You have a great mind.” But women keep their distance. Or do they? I don’t think I have much trust for women. I have a few female friends in this city toward whom I feel trust and comfort, and maybe a few more scattered throughout the country, but other than that, when it comes to women, I am quite cold if not closed off entirely. Actually, I’m like that toward most humans in general, regardless of their parts, but it’s especially bad with women, because with men, I can at least flirt with them and I hate to admit that out loud and on this blog but it’s true and I shouldn’t deny it.
Gender dynamics and alarming anti-feminist implications aside, back to my developmental exercises.
What is the crowd of humans of which I wish to be apart?
Which humans make it up?
Who are these people, I mean to say, and what defines them?
People are multi-faceted. I know how to relate to people on a personal level, but I want to be a part of something that is bigger than that. Feelings are important and I value all of my relationships but the world is bigger than the sum of its individuals and my being is bigger than the sum of my feelings and how can I harness my energy and be a part of this bigger thing?
What do I wish to be a part of? I’m doing it again. I’m talking in circles.
I dread even attempting answers at these questions because I don’t wish to put more stress on myself but let’s list some common sense answers (trite as those feel.)
I can work toward:
- Watching and knowing more films, reading and knowing more literary works, experiencing and knowing more local displays of art, reading and knowing more history
- Volunteering at more non-profits (and committing…)
- Keep up with current events and have my own opinion
- Be interested in other people’s work
- Be interested and aware. Period.
- Ask questions
I’m “at the level”, that was never a concern. But I lack the substance to back it. The mold, the concrete, the fudgy insides, call it what you want.
What is substance? Knowledge? Boldly stated opinions? One’s ability to face adversity? Concrete understanding. Rich understanding. Understanding through all of your faculties (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual.)
I wish to be attentive, aware, and articulate all of the times about all of the art forms.
Only then can I truly begin my own creative process. And once that happens, we arrive at more questions….
What type of art do I wish to create?
Am I an artist? Can I even claim that label?
I have a voice, surely. I have presence, absolutely. But is that enough?
Assuming that it is, how do I constructively harness it?
What do I wish to make?
What am I trying to say?
Is what I wish to say even relevant?
Do politicians actually believe the statements they make? I find it hard to believe that Mitt Romney truly disbelieves in the concept of global warming.
What am I trying to say?
What do I believe?
That’s what I did during my 9:40 class. I would apologize for my lack of attention but I’m sick of being conscientious. A friend of mine told me that I was rather conscientious. I already knew this, of course, because I’m conscientious. And he told me that it’s not necessarily a good thing. Not to say he was trying to criticize, but he told me he thinks it’s a direct result of someone with an unpredictable parent. Which makes sense, in a way. With an unpredictable parent(s) or environment, you’re forced to be perpetually at the ready and able to act accordingly.
These are my thoughts and this is a process and I don’t know where that leaves me but I can feel myself changing and I can feel myself growing and the sadness I felt seems to be making its rounds amongst my friends and I hope they’re okay I wish I could just hold and comfort and love, love love all of them but I don’t have the time and neither do they and I’m not sure how to feel about that but we’re all going to be okay.
Question of the day: Any developing artists reading this, or developing humans in general, I invite you to answer any or all of the questions asked above! I’d love to hear your perspective on things, as well as get a feel for your own current state of development.