halloween stories (zombie palaces)

Happy Halloween. I have a lovely 12-hour day ahead of me tomorrow, and an early wake-up call on Thursday. That said, I’m sure my Halloween will be filled with enough thrills.

I wrote this essay a while back, for my non-fiction writing class, about zombies & childhood demons. I hit an emotional wall that I didn’t actually end up quite leaping over but if you’re interested, it sure feels fitting for the theme of the day.

Zombies Here 

Question of the day: Tell me about the metamorphoses of your Halloween costume? Not really a question, but I’m interested. 

I know personally, I always come up with a brilliant idea around July, or August, or so. Sometimes, it’s earlier than that. I always tell myself I’m going to start sewing / constructing / collecting parts for said costume idea ASAP, and look like a rockstar on Halloween night. Those plans….hardly ever actually pan out, and I usually end up copping out, and just throwing something together from my closet. That said, I’d be interested to know how you personally handle Halloween costumes.


Marvelous In My Monday (#2)

Honestly, these “acronym themed days” are sort of cheesy to me but I sort of like them as well. Of course, because that’s sort of how I feel about everything. Anyway, feeling much better about things today. I feel more engaged in my school work and I successfully made my own hummus and cashew butter yesterday. Something amazing is in the oven right now and I’m finally getting this baking thing down. The chronicle below can be found in my “running journal” page but I decided to post it on here because I don’t have much else of interest to speak about right now, or that I feel like blogging about, at any rate.

Monday, October 29, 2012 (Day 3) 

Nutrition Episode

Woke up and had some coffee with 1 TBSP of Silk French Vanilla Coconut Milk Cream, a Green Monster, and a slice of Udi’s Gluten-Free Cinnamon Raisin Bread with some soy-free Earth Balance. This happened between 8:30 and 9:30. Ate an Iced Gingerbread Clif Bar plus more coffee with almond milk during my class between 9:40 & 10:45.

Workout, Route, and Music Episode

Today, I did the Volunteer Park run I was supposed to do yesterday. I started on 13th and Columbia, ran up to 16th, and from there, straight to Volunteer Park. As for music, today was sunny but stormy. The wind roared a riveting rhapsody to me as I ran through the neighborhood, leaves floating all around me in a beautiful autumn menagerie…….In other words, I left my iPod behind. The run would have been nearly 5 miles had I completed it, but here’s what happened: running up from 13th to 16th killed me — I think I took it a bit too rapidly. I walked about 10 paces after making it up the hill, then picked up again with the jogging. Successfully jogged all the way to the park, and started continuing down along the park trail, when I slowed to a walk and simply got lost in the park’s beauty. I found myself at the water tower, which I ran up and around. I (sort of) ran back down, where I slowed to a walk again, and simply walked back to campus down 13th ave.

Feelings Episode

Like I said, was feeling a bit weak in the beginning but as I pushed myself to keep going, I felt much stronger. I’m not beating myself up for not completing the run, I did complete the run there, which in itself is 2.4 miles. I made it back to campus in about 45 minutes, which isn’t really bad, considering I sort of took my sweet time on the way back, and at the park especially. I can’t say it enough, it was such a magical day! I thought of all of the feet who’d previously tread that very same trail and I thought about the water tower and my first time heading up it and my friend who runs up it before work every day and all of the people who I’m not responsible but am somehow responsible for because I said yes to him said yes to her said yes to her said yes to him and everyone is interconnected and I really am blanketed by this city I just only need to realize it and maybe I was suffering from a B-12 deficiency, I wasn’t taking my tablets properly and maybe it’s all in my head but I’m feeling much better and stronger about things and these past few weeks of sadness have been so incredibly sad and I know I’m not the only one feeling it but I really do love this city and I know I’m where I’m supposed to be and everything is going to be okay, no, not okay, things are going to be great because they already are if I would only just open my eyes and see it.

Post-Run Nutrition Episode

Rode my bike home and heated up some of the Lentil Sloppy Joe’s I had in the fridge. I had some of that on one slice of Udi’s Gluten-Free Millet-Chia Bread, and another slice of the same with my first-ever batch of home-made hummus! It was delicious, and felt like the perfect “carb-protein” ratio for a post-run meal. Not that I actually know much about that but my body knows more than it thinks it does.

That’s all for today, going to drop off these….baked goods…..assuming they turned out alright, go rent some DVDs, head to rehearsal, and catch up on homework. Mondays really are my favorite days of the week this quarter, which is strange (they’re the days in which I have the most “free time.”)

Question of the day: 

Life is full of ups and downs, we all know this. What’s your healthiest plan of action in regards to “kicking” any ruts you might find yourself stuck in?

Personally, I normally just recluse for a while. I go about my daily routine and complete my responsibilities as needed but I might flake out on some of my extra-curriculars, and I definitely flake out on friends. I’m terrible at faking things so I try to minimize my time spent around people, because I don’t like weighing people down with my ish, especially people that I care about. I try to stay as active as possible, but the main thing that gets me through is, I know it’ll pass. It’s like being sick — there isn’t much you can do for a fever other than drink tea and bundle up, and dream about health & comforts. Why would it be any different with mental sicknesses?

Lesley Gore PSA & VOTING season

This video made me tear the first time I watched it and I legit bawled when I watched it again this morning.

My good friend Olivia wrote this when she shared the video on FaceBook:

“Having a child is NOT a decision to be taken lightly. It changes the entire trajectory of a person’s life. Some women cannot support a child, some women are unfit to raise children, some simply do not wish to have them, and some are not ready for that lifestyle. Whatever YOUR decision would be if you became pregnant should not interfere with MY right to choose whether or not to carry a pregnancy to term. I’m Pro-Choice. I believe in women’s rights to choose, for the sake of the women, and the unborn. Parenthood need not always be planned, but it should ALWAYS be VOLUNTARY. I may be a single-issue voter, but when that issue has the potential to dramatically alter the lives of all American women, it’s an issue worth ALL of my concern. Keep abortion safe and legal.”

Well said, well said indeed. Pregnancy & child bearing have both been on my mind lately, especially since one of my best friends from high school just had her first child. Might I add that, regardless of your stance on this issue, the world is far too overpopulated. Resources are far too scarce. People in the Middle East are still fighting over water. Water.

I’m going to keep it at that for now, because I don’t want to say anything I’ll regret. Not trying to start anything.

Anyway, not that you need telling, but it’s important to get out and VOTE. I know Election Season grows tiresome, I’m certainly not a fan of it. Filling out my absentee ballot was the worst damned headache of my life, and I don’t even get headaches. Ever. But I did it! And so can you. Now, go! Continue reading

Destress with Dal


Destressing for some people means hitting the bar. For others, it means more time simply sweating it out at the gym. Running works for others, some embark on cleaning sprees. Others like to bake, I’m pretty sure sex works for everyone, and some people get super unhealthy about it and resort to various coping methods I don’t need to mention.

Personally, when I’m stressed out, I need a full palate of destressers, of both the “healthy” and “non-healthy” variety. Starting out my day with a good, hard run followed by my whipping up a creative post-run breakfast always helps. But I can’t do both of these things every single day. Even when I can and do, about halfway through my day, particularly on heavily-triggering days, I’m overcome by sudden, strong urges to hit the bar. Over the summer, I grew rather partial to Big Mario’s, particularly their “Power Hour.” Dollar beer for an hour…so tempting. Anyway, assuming that I resist this urge (as I most often do) I keep going about my day and start thinking about what creative dish I might cook up for dinner. I most always frown at the thought of the mountain of leftovers I remember to be sitting in my fridge, but I keep going, anyway. I run through the (recently accumulated) list of ingredients that have emptied my pocket book but filled up my cupboards, and I start wondering what yummy dessert I might decide to try out.

Really, the only positive destresser that does NOT appeal to me, not ever, is cleaning. Which is unfortunate. But another story entirely.

Currently (and I know this is mild compared to most foodies, and only the beginning, trust me) I have in my cupboards seven different nut butters, four different sweetners, two flours, three oils, so many spices……..

I have leftover pumpkin puree I still need to put to use, leftover pancake mix, fudge in the freezer PLUS the vegan rolos I made last night…..

But I need to keep on baking, I must master all of these recipes.

SO for once in my life, I’m going to be that nice person who randomly provides you with an unprecedented batch of cookies. I say unprecedented, but it is the holiday season, so I guess it’s not really that original or unprecedented, but you get my point.

People I must bake for, and soon:

Alena — She’s currently out with all kindsa crazy health problems. Knowing me, by the time I get around to making her something (that I don’t decide to eat myself) she’ll probably be back in Seattle. But who could say no to a batch of healthy goodies?

My grandparents + Kaelya — Say no more. I’ve been MIA from their lives as of late, and Kaelya’s a growing child. This needs to happen more than once during the holiday season.

Connor — He’s a bad person to bake for because he’s weirded out by / biased about the vegan aspect (whereas, with Alena and my grandparents, they simply won’t know until after the fact…if I even decide to tell them…) but he’s also supportive and accepting in regards to all things “Dalyce.” He’s also out with an injury, so there you have that.

The Northwest Film Forum — I used to be a regular volunteer. Now, I’m sporadic at best and flakey at the worst. But they’ve all been really good to me, and I’d like for nothing better than to make the perfect batch of yumminess for those hard working guys and gals.

My sister & co — It’s too late for house-warming but I’m sure she wouldn’t say no to baked goods.

My father — He’s lonely & lives off Pepsi, pretzels and ramen. Say no more.

Andrew — Simply because I miss him, though he’s also probably biased about the vegan thing.

lalalala I’m running out of ideas. I would add my best friends to this list but I plan on cooking & baking them out of house & home when I’m down there. Another person who is not on this list is my mother, simply because she’s not really  an eater, never has been. She’s more of a baker. I happen to be a baker AND an eater, so we’ve always got on well.

All that said and done, I think this is a good starting point……….now, ready, go.

Anxiety on high and WIAW

I skipped class again because I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t leave my house. This really needs to stop, it’s becoming   quite pathetic. Honestly, my “excuse” is, not only am I stressed about family issues, but I caught a late screening of a film last night, got home later than usual, and decided not to set an alarm. Meaning I had time neither for a run nor some mini Pilates sessions. The sad part is, that I could hardly even pay attention to the film, which is a shame, because not only was I genuinely interested in the film, but I was in good company…..I really need to learn how to relax. ANYWAY. Onto: Image

I woke up around 8am, and had some coffee with Silk Coconut Milk creamer, French Vanilla.

I then jogged over to Garfield Field, and did some HIIT. I sprinted up & down, walked up, jogged back down, and repeated. I did this 5 times. It felt amazing. While I was running, I saw some late high school stragglers shuffling their ways to class (or not) and a pair of custodians were watching my running intently. Sounds silly, but I felt a bit rebellious, knowing I probably was “trespassing” it being school hours and all. Oh well.

By the time I got back to my house, I was not craving the cookie dough oats I’d prepared the night before, so whipped up this instead: Image

Lunch for breakfast, because why the fuck not. If you can’t quite see all the details from the (iPhone) photo, it’s half a Dave’s Killer Everything Bagel, 1 TBSP of Veganaise, 1 slice of Artisan Vegan Field Roast (Wild Mushroom), half a baby avocado, and a tofu scramble with red & green kale. It was quite delicious, the perfect post-run breakfast.

I then finished up some writing that I’d neglected to do over the weekend. I must be PMSing or something, because I was craving chocolate like a mofo. I made some decaffeinated chamomile with maple syrup, had a few bites of the Nutella Fudge I made the night before, even a square of dark chocolate. Nothing seemed to satisfy my need for sweet.

I didn’t eat this all myself, but this is what it looked like by the time I remembered to take a picture of it.


I was happy when lunch rolled around, which I ate right before I (finally) left my house for class. This is when I whipped out the Breakfast Cookie Dough   I made. I made mine overnight oats style & with Chia seeds, plus some maple syrup and 1 TBSP of Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter. Image

I walked to class (about 1.4 miles) and during the thing, received a text message from my dad which triggered some negative emotions. I could hardly get through the class (I’m so fragile as of late…) and afterwards, I was fuming, steaming, wanting to punch, kick, and throw things. I didn’t, of course, though I probably scared some people with my speed walking. I ended up walking into Big Mario’s to hit power hour. I haven’t done this since summer, I hardly even drink anymore, but it felt appropriate……Image

Dollar beer just in time to help me “cope.”

It was time for a long walk after that. I mentioned I left my keys on Bainbridge Island, so I walked downtown to retrieve them from my friend’s father’s law offices. About 1.6 miles round trip, but I continued the adventure, and walked down Broadway to return Notorious. Add another mile and a half or so of walking.

I got back to campus just in time to heat up my dinner, which was simply my lentil/quinoa/kale mash up, this week with minced garlic, onions, and daiya cheese. Image

Can you believe that I was still craving chocolate? I ordered a hot cocoa with almond milk, which I drank during my evening class.

After class, I caught up on emails and things for an hour, then went to see The Connection at the Northwest Film Forum. I was a bit distracted, though I was happy to see the person I saw it with, but the energy was sort of off between us, which is unfortunate. What I hate about seeing people for long periods of time — it gets to a point where things just sort of feel routine, and while you may have nights where the energy is right on par and things are absolutely amazing, you also have nights like yesterday that are just sort of .. off. and blah. blah.


Anyway, generally, when we see films together, we catch earlier screenings, and I think he got rather hungry during the film, because he went to get some popcorn and started wolfing it down like a crazy person, much to my amusement. He kept offering it to me and while I was a bit hungry too (seriously, yeah), I wasn’t really feeling popcorn, but I grabbed a few handfuls. Our hands kept colliding as his seemed perpetually reaching back to fetch more kernels! It was silly. I rather liked the film, though as I said, wasn’t of the most astute attention. Got at issues of voyeurism & privilege, ethics & disconnects. Reminded me that while heroine addicts are heroine addicts are heroine addicts, at least the ones in the 60s played neat jazz music. Now, junkies just sit around like the guys in the film, but they listen to Miley Cyrus & watch MTV. Boring, awful.

Anyway, it was late when the film got out and we were both anxious to get home because we both like to wake up early (ish) and conduct our morning routines and we both sort of had unpleasant things on our minds and I’m super neurotic as of late anyway, I got on my bicycle and rode home. It felt so good to ride my bicycle! I’d been without it for two days, having my keys stuck on Bainbridge Island and him being locked up on campus.

Went home and opened another beer, started drinking it,  realized I didn’t want it, just went to bed without even bothering to set an alarm after becoming suddenly exhausted. Pretty alright day.

Now, off to do more interval training! Or maybe a long jog. Not sure which I’m feeling yet, but I need to turn this day around, and fast.

Marvelous In My Monday (#1)


I know I’ve been post crazy, but today felt like a good day to post my first “MIMM” post. Wow, what a strange acronym.

Anyway, trying to keep this short and sweet, some good news: I got my cholesterol results back. My counts are perfectly healthy. Honestly, when I was a junior in high school, I was at the height of my compulsive over eating, my binging, even purging. I was also running track and doing cocaine (yeah, I was a mess), and I had “high triglycerides.” I’m pretty sure this was due to the amount of peanut butter I was eating, I had NO concept whatsoever of portion control back in those days.

Anyway, glad to know my new found knowledge and lifestyle changes have paid off! One healthy human right here. I’m not even anemic, like I feared I might be!

Moving on. I could post about what I did this weekend, but my life is not wildly interesting, and I don’t like living in the past, anyway. I’ll talk about a milestone reached today instead. Eating lunch, solo, in a room full of your peers. I’ve always been comfortable doing things on my own, more often than not, I even prefer it that way. I’ve never had a problem going to see films alone, I’ve eaten alone at restaurants, I’ve gone into bars alone. One exception to my usual unwavering sense of independence has always been eating lunch in school cafeterias. Since middle school, I’ve suffered through the worst sorts of company, all in an effort not to be seen eating “alone”, God forbid. This wasn’t an issue in high school, as I was lucky enough to make friends who were “my types of people” there, but the issue rose from the ashes when I arrived at college. And the cycle of “fake friends” repeated itself. If I wasn’t trudging through a painfully boring conversation with someone who simply was not like me at all, I was speed walking with my plate, head down, desperately hoping not to be sighted on my way up to dine alone in my room. Today, I realized things are different. I wasn’t planning on eating lunch in the cafeteria (for aesthetics’ sake alone), but I found myself there, and it was fine. I heated up my lentils mash up, I sat down, and I ate, casually reading over my lines while doing so and not giving a hoot or a wink about it.

Anyway, I’m failing at articulating it but the whole experience was rather empowering.

Question of the day: Have you ever dined alone? Or perhaps watched a film (in theaters?) Gone to a concert, maybe? What are your thoughts on being alone in public? 

What the heck, let’s talk about the weekend. I’ll page break just because it can’t be that interesting but I feel like prolonging my procrastination.  Continue reading


“Things that make me genuinely happy”
1. looking at the moon
2. waking up after a good night’s slumber
3. watching a leaf make its subtle descent from tree to earth
4. a patch of tiny, dainty daisies in the brilliant emerald grass
5. opening my mail box to find a friendly greeting from an old friend, family member, or lover
6. the twilit desert in the middle of now where Nevada
7. a good mix CD from someone I admire
8. nature — walking solo through this beautiful garden of life
9. seeing a dog splash about in the fountain, its owner’s affectionate eye upon it
10. curling up, in the sun, with a good book

As the date caveat implies, this was written a smidgeon over three years ago. What a lost, lonely, and confused girl I was. Still am, really. I suppose I should find it comforting, how scant the modifications to this list would be, were I asked to compile a new one right now.
No, I suppose that is comforting, though my initial instinct was to deem it “frightening.”
Consistency is a good thing. I must remember this.
What’s scary is, how radically different the palate of faces & smells & tactile experiences, of places & songs, names & ideas, triggered by this list, is from the palate that not only would trigger from but actually inspired this list as it stands.
Life is about connecting with people. I’ve always thought this. So why is it that the humans I hold so close, are ever only in my life for what feels like no amount of time? Granted, there are a few (a handful, if that) with whom, despite differences in space & time, I can still consider myself intimate. Even so, I can’t believe it’s been three years. Three years, 12 seasons, nine quarters, twenty-seven classes, a few numbers less than that in professors, I don’t know what I’m supposed to remember from all of this and what I’m supposed to have forgotten, my childhood demons seemed so real and inhibiting when I first migrated to this city, they seem like long forgotten dreams to me now, if that, I’ve done such a good job at repressing all of it, repressing after a year of lamenting, all I ever really wanted to do was relate to someone, connect to someone, I’m always so oblivious and never figure anything out till it’s three years too late, the past feels like it never happened, and that feels like a good thing, though I can’t bring myself to believe that it actually is, this blog makes no sense, it has no focus, I have no focus, I’ve always hated blogs that’s why I’m always deleting them, journaling is much better, I’m not attention seeking if I’m journaling but hey, that’s attention seeking in itself, why a leather bound journal, one asks, rather than a spiral bound notebook? public privacy that’s all anything is anymore connecting through announcing, building bonds through showmanship
it’s all pathetic really and I’m really not that depressed, I don’t think I am at least, just numb, I feel slightly numb, whenever I start living my life too healthfully this happens, I drink to be more manic and I smoke to self-destruct and lately I do neither of those things not really and I can barely hold a conversation and I’m in such a hurry to get from point A to point B, if I’m not ravenously hungry and thinking about dinner, I’m cold or tired and thinking about hot cocoa, and I still haven’t written anything of consequence and I love this time of year, kicking leaves is a favorite pass time, but I can’t stand the way this time of year makes me feel and that’s a fact.
why can’t I go home for Thanksgiving? What is Thanksgiving? What is home? Family? all of these things make no sense to me and maybe that’s why marriage has been so painfully on my mind. wow I just said that out loud & have a good night

friday rant session

For everyone who is interested, because so many of you apparently are: I don’t believe in labeling myself so far as my lifestyle, i.e. eating or exercise habits,  are concerned.

I don’t eat meat, and haven’t since the age of 16, but in recent years, I’ve started eating fish occasionally. Most recently, I’ve decided to abstain from eggs and dairy products. If you must label me, I guess that makes me “pescetarian with vegan tendencies.”

Why do I live this way, you ask? Am I following a trend? On my high horse about being environmentally conscious? God forbid, I’m not trying to lose weight, am I?????

You know, this may shock you, but I eat the foods that I eat, and don’t eat the foods that I don’t, because I like my plant-based diet.  It makes me feel good. 

Sorry for the “ranty” tone of this post, but this is really getting to me. And don’t get me wrong– I’m all for discussing nutrition, alternative lifestyles, cooking, and food in general. If you know me, you know this. Some things I am NOT for, are your subversive criticisms, judgments, or “tests” so far as my diet and exercise habits are concerned. They are NOT subtle, and I see right through your “casual inquiries.”

With the exception of one of my house mates whose food I have commented negatively upon (sorry, Ryan…), I don’t stand there telling you about all of the disgusting ingredients to be found in your nasty frozen dinner. Nor do I give you my “humans are the only animals who drink milk not only as fully developed adults, but who drink the milk of other animals” lecture upon your telling me you just ate a whole (gallon!) carton of ice cream.

I don’t question your eating habits, and I would appreciate it if you would please refrain from questioning mine, thank you.

I choose oat brans, nut butters, fish, lentils, quinoa, fruits, and all of the delicious, yummy greens (kale, chard, broccoli, spinach, etc.) as my staples NOT because it’s “hipster” (what does that word even mean?), NOT because I’m actively trying to lose weight, NOT because I’m a snobby bitch whose on her high horse and has a superiority/inferiority complex about being more environmentally savvy than you. I eat these types of food because I like the way they taste and they make me feel good.

I ride my bike, take long walks, and try to incorporate as much Pilates into my daily routines as possible, NOT because I’m a compulsive exerciser trying to burn off every calorie I consume, NOT because I’m vain and image obsessed, NOT because I want attention. I do these things because they’re fun and they make me feel good. Not to mention, I want a strong core so that I can bust awesome dance moves like this guy. I’m not kidding.

Am I environmentally conscious? Absolutely. Agricultural waste is THE number one source of pollution in the United States, and animal waste, unlike human municipal waste, goes completely untreated. That is pretty nasty.

Am I health conscious? Absolutely! After having suffered through basically every eating disorder that’s out there (most overwhelmingly, binge-eating but I’ve gone through my fair share of hellish restricting, binging, and purging) and watching my closest friends suffer from the same, I’M SICK OF IT and am desperate for recovery. I want a healthy relationship with food, and I want my friends to have the same. Not to mention, I’m quite the temperamental individual! The healthier the lifestyle I can maintain physically, the better off I am in my other faculties (mentally, spiritually, and emotionally!) Do I think I’m better than you because I don’t eat animals (okay, besides fish) and you do? NO. 

Honestly, a carnivorous diet stemming from locally farmed animals is FAR more environmentally savvy than a vegetarian one stemming from cheap carbs bought at grocery outlets. I’m the first one to admit that “vegan” or “vegetarian” does NOT equate “healthy!”

Honestly, people should eat the foods that they want to eat, and not eat the foods that they don’t want to eat. At what point did things lose this degree of simplicity?

If it isn’t okay for me to criticize your food, why is it okay for you to tell me my oat parfaits look like “baby food?”

If it isn’t okay for me to ask you why you eat meat when so much waste is due to agriculture, why is it okay for you to ask me “where I get my protein?”

Seriously. Eat your damn cake, and don’t ask me about my vegan one. Unless you’re genuinely interested. Than by all means, ask away.

But honestly, if you’re not genuinely interested, please follow that golden rule. Because your comments are triggering, and they’re not helping me stay healthy, and if you’re being honest with yourself, you know they’re not helping you stay healthy, either. So you eat your cake over there, I’ll eat my cake over here, and we can be friends for ever and ever and ever.

end rant.

questions/food for thought:

Have you ever been the target for food or eating-related bullying? Sounds extreme, but to me, such comments and questions regarding my eating or exercising habits, really feel like bullying. Thoughts?

Have you ever made a negative remark (i.e. bullied) concerning someone else’s food or exercise choices? How might you treat that situation differently, if you could go back to that conversation and do it over? 

“On Relationships” or, “My Recipe For Having All of the Cake”

While it may sound endearing, it is with regret that I admit that its cadence, while rolling off the roaming ribbons of my tongue, is rather vomit-inducing. “Love is patient. Love is kind.” Not to mention, it strikes me as rather obligation-obtuse, expectation-inebriated, and straight up, stifling. Don’t get me wrong, when I hear the phrase, I experience a montage of shimmering faces, each one lapsing over the other, dissolving into the next, and my neurons take a momentary break from their perpetual tap-dance. My belly warms up as after a hot cup of cocoa, and I feel content. I feel loved. Did I mention “vomit-inducing?” Let me not forge ahead of myself.

Perhaps I should disclaim this now: I make no attempt at defining “love.” And while love may be both “patient” and “kind”, that isn’t the full story. I will attest to the existence of such a love that is both “patient” and “kind.” I call this “mature”, or rather, “comfortable” love.  It just so happens that such a love isn’t particularly my chosen brand. No, I seek love in the pooling moisture of hazy eyes, hazelnut bliss and velvet lips. I want for a touch so tantalizing that, upon the very thought of tactile memory, while fluttering about my activities of the mundane, even weeks later, I experience  a momentary freeze of faculties. A single whisper, or whiff, is all it takes, and time stops as I fall down a rabbit hole, splash into bottom’s pond and begin to pulse with pleasure. I yearn not to float the “dizzy dance” up to those fluffy white balls in the sky, I need to soar to Saturn in a custom capsule fueled by the surging desire of my lover and I. I long for glittering gazes magically bound, and smiles that sway until dawn.

I know what you’re thinking. “You describe lust, not love.” Perhaps you are right (but I don’t think so) and I commend you on please refraining from speaking aloud your opinion, thank you. No, lust is subtly staring at the rhythmically pulsing glutes of the cross country boys as they spartan around campus sans clothing. Lust is eagerly eying the long fingers of the lead guitar in that hipster band expertly strumming the strings of his instrument. Both experiences provide visual pleasures, to be sure, smidgens of steamy fantasies, maybe, but they ultimately fail at providing anything of consequence in regards to the realm of sheer human interest. Erotic chemistry culminating in what I like to call decadent or fantasy love as previously described simply doesn’t occur if you can’t at least conduct meaningful conversation with the person.

Now, the two loves needn’t be mutually exclusive. Sheer chemistry most always explodes into a fantasy love affair (time span? contingent.), and fantasy love could theoretically evolve into that “mature” state of love. The problem, of course, is that every boost in “comfort” (maturity) equals a double decrease in fantasy (excitement.) Not to say that relationships plateau upon achieving the “comfortable” state, I’ll happily admit that new adventures always await, but the painfully apparent dissipation of certain qualities previously experienced in the “fantasy” state cannot be denied. Since the erotic chemistry I speak of is, by nature, a rarity, I suppose that most people are lucky. Some may never actually experience the opulent oasis of fantasy love, and perhaps, these humans fall naturally and happily into comfortable love with their best friend. But for couples whose love completes the metamorphosis, or for those whose decadent dreams materialize during youth (disregarding those individuals possessing inhuman quantities of self-control), I advise caution.

Issues of scarcity aside, trouble abounds with the latter type of love. Fantasy love is fleeting. Obviously. That isn’t really the issue; I’m mostly concerned with ethics. Writing this at the ripe young age of 21, it is difficult to say, but I theorize that most people probably grow out of the stage of decadence and openly embrace the stability that comfortable love brings, at some point in their lives. Like leftover soup, such humans, I imagine, are possibly quite often surprised by the richness of flavor of a love left sit to ferment. The problem is, I’m doubting whether the sweet taste of port wine ever quite dissipates. As hearty as leftover soup may be, who is anyone to deny anyone else the occasional taste of a rare, ripe wine? Especially where love is concerned. The whole point in “comfortable” love resides in the root of the word — comfort. If a person is truly comfortable with one’s own self, and beyond that, one’s own self as one relates to one’s stable love, why should it matter what desserts fall into one’s lover’s palate during any time spent apart?

I’m not condoning infidelity. I’m only saying that “comfortable” love can only take you so far. Especially where feeling “happy” or “complete” are concerned. People are multifaceted, and no one likes obligations. Just like dieters grow to greet their blase salads with the evil eye, chewing their greens like cud, all while the pulsing image of a red velvety cake taunts their tormented mind, you’re going to resent your chosen partner of love and comforts if you feel like they’re impeding on your participating in your own discovered valleys of desire. Honestly, why should your lover’s trip to Saturn with one delightful young peach affect the memory-ingrained full intergalactic journey you shared and continue to explore with that person? Perhaps, I’m still too young and trying to justify my desire to “have all of the cake, and eat it, too.” But I think neither comforts nor fantasies are forces to be denied. Deprivation feeds resentment, and resentment has no part in love. None, whatsoever.


Note: I wrote an essay of *sorts* almost exactly a year ago, on this very same topic! Since October seems to be a natural month of memory and reflection for me, perhaps I’ll write one essay on relationships per year, during the month of October, and watch how my viewpoints on the topic do (or do not) change. If you’re interested, let me know, and I’ll consider posting it. Though, a clear warning, it’s awfully written, and that isn’t me being hyper-critical, I’m talking, it fails-at-using-complete-sentences awfully written.

Anyway, moving forward, I think this  begs for Question Time:

Do you believe in “true” romantic love? If so, how would you define it? If not, why not? What do you believe in? 

What is your personal methodology as far as relationships go?

What are your views on monogamy? 

How radical are these modern shifts in relationships, in actuality? Infidelity has existed for … as long as human kind, and for many, many years, marriage was hardly about “romantic love”. Okay, that isn’t a question, more like, the beginning of a tangent, but please, spill your thoughts! I would love love LOVE to hear them. This topic fascinates me, and I could read/write/talk/listen to other people talk about it for days and days and days.